Chiffon and Poppy Make Everything Better: Wonder Woman

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Chiffon Dior: Well hello again everybody. Welcome to another exciting edition of “Chiffon and Poppy Make Everything Better”. I’m Chiffon Dior, joined once again by my older sister Poppy Fields. Poppy, how are you doing this evening?

Poppy Fields: I’m fine. Just remember I will always be Marsha to your Jan. And all that implies.

CD: I’m okay with you getting hit in the nose with a football. So anyway, we’re here to talk about a subject near and dear to our hearts….Wonder Woman. Specifically, Wonder Woman as she will be portrayed on the big screen. Let’s cut right to the chase shall we? The Comic Con reveal of Gal Gadot in her Wonder Woman costume for the upcoming “Superman v Batman” movie. Thoughts?

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PF: Well…I liked it a lot. I know there are probably legions of fanboys and girls out there who are ready to hate practically everything associated with everything; but I actually think they made some really good decisions regarding the costume. And, I know that it’s very reminiscent of “Xena, the Warrior Princess,” but to be perfectly honest – Xena was inspired by Wonder Woman rather blatantly, so it’s rather full-circle in that regard.

CD: Well it looks like we’re going to start sparring here right off the bat. I don’t think the costume is dreadful even though it’s not great. My bigger issue is with woman in the costume. Gal Gadot looks like a strong wind could take her out, let alone hold her own with Superman and Batman.

PF: Well, that very well may be; but here’s where you have to take into consideration Wonder Woman’s origins. Yes – she is an Amazon, and that belies a certain physical strength. However, Wonder Woman’s powers are magical in nature, handed down from the Greek Gods themselves (and in the New 52 universe, she’s actually the daughter of Zeus), so…if you are willing to suspend your disbelief like you do when you watch Harry Potter movies…or when you stand on your scales after a potato chip binge…then you have to give Gadot’s size a little bit of a break. Plus…remember we’re talking Hollywood here…where you’re considered “overweight” if you’re a size 2.

CD: The biggest suspension of disbelief in Harry Potter is that Hermione chose the ginger over Harry. I mean, come on!

PF: Now, Chiffon, you know I love me some firecrotch…And apparently, so did Harry.

CD: I thought Lindsey Lohan was past her lesbian stage?

PF: I was taking about Ginny Weasley, but we’re getting off the topic.

CD: Right. So we will have to agree to disagree about Gal Gadot. (Editor’s Note: Chiffon is right. Poppy is wrong) So what would like to see from Wonder Woman appearing on the big screen?

PF: Listen, I will agree that – if I were casting Wonder Woman – that I would have probably shot for someone a bit more muscular. That being said, I’m not going to dislike it before I see the film.

CD: Well you apparently aren’t familiar with discussing comic book movies on the internet goes then.

PF: Very true! We have become such a cynical society in that regard, and I reject it! But that’s another soapbox. What would I like to see from her on the screen…well…I’d like to see her get some MAJOR airtime, and I want her to be portrayed as she is in the comics – on par with the other two. Wonder Woman has actually knocked Superman out cold, and she’s far, far stronger than Batman and equally as skilled in combat. So I just hope she’s not portrayed as “weaker” or “less kick-ass,” you know? (Can you tell I’m a bit of a WW fanatic?)

CD: So you want her to display all of the fighting skills that you do at a once-a-year Neiman Marcus sale?

PF: Exactly.

CD: That would put the movie at a hard “R” rating though.

PF: Hey…I wear underwear when I go shopping. Mostly.

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CD: ANYWAY! So the one thing I am going to have to insist on is that Lynda Carter is cast as Queen Hippolyta, Wonder Woman’s mother in whatever film she appears in. That is not negotiable to me.

PF: I knew you were going to say that. I doubt that we’ll see her in this film, but this is a topic that we agree 100%. There’s just no other choice.

CD: Well, there HAS to be a solo Wonder Woman film. If Marvel Comics is about to have a big hit with a movie starring a tree and a raccoon, WB can certainly do a Wonder Woman movie.

PF: Yes, I know. Unfortunately, Hollywood is still very skeptical about making big-budget action/SFX movies with women in the leading roles. It’s sad, but a fact. I think it’s preposterous, but it’s the way the industry works.

CD: “Lucy” just won the week at the box office. Boom! Next theory?

PF: And when was the last time that happened? And what was it up against…that ridiculous “Hercules” where they didn’t even make him a demigod? Trust me…it’s a consideration (remember, I have inside information since I sleep with a lot of movie prod….um…moving right along).

CD: So now that we’ve said what we want from this. What are we expecting to ACTUALLY happen?

PF: Superman and Batman will be in 75% of the movie, and she’ll come in during the last act. But…with a subtitle of “Dawn of Justice” you know that it’s a set up for the Justice League movies. So she’d better get more airtime, since she’s a founding member. Yes, children…Poppy knows her comics. It just goes to show that one can be glamorous and a geek at the same time.

CD: And by that she means, she needed to have something to do on Friday night when she was going through her awkward stage.

PF: You mean before I got my first vibrator?

CD: Um. Moving on. If she does get her own film, who would you like to see the villain of the piece be? The Glass Ceiling perhaps?

PF: I think for it to be as epic as it would need to be, it would have to be Ares. If they didn’t want to go mythological, well…Cheetah is one of her legendary arch-enemies, but Doctor Psycho might work as well. Circe perhaps, but again – that’s mythological. And if they do go with Doctor Psycho, Peter Dinklage would be perfect.

CD: Cough *nerd* cough!

PF: Well you asked. Cough *bitch* cough.

CD: That was a test and you failed Urkel. Now hand over your lunch money.

PF: Girl, I sat at the popular kids’ table…moving on…

CD: You were home schooled! Moving on. Who would you want to play Steve Trevor, Wonder Woman’s main squeeze?

PF: Jon Hamm.

CD: That man is unfairly handsome. I would have to approve of this choice. Although if he tried some of his Don Draper attitude towards women with Diana, well that might not end well for him.

PF: Well, no. And have you seen his package?

CD: Oh lord! Is this going to be the story about how you snuck on to the set of Bridesmaids and stalked him again?

PF: Allegedly…allegedly.

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CD: Translation: charges still pending. Okay, so since you picked Ares first, cast him and maybe Cheetah too since they love to cram multiple villains into films.

PF: Oh my…well…assuming that Ares isn’t going to be completely computer-generated…I would probably go with Vin Diesel, because he can pull off other-worldly characters. And he has that odd voice. Cheetah…well…I’m in love with Charlize Theron. I think she would be amazing.

CD: Charlize can basically play everything and I’d be okay with that. Okay I think we have given them plenty to think about and one not-so veiled threat. Do you have any final Wonder Woman Words of Wisdom?

PF: Stop a bullet cold, make the Axis fold, change their minds, and change the world….

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CD: For the readers at home, since this isn’t in a video format, Poppy just sang and pantomimed that out and finished with spinning around five times.

PF: …wow…I’m dizzy….

 


 

If you have an idea for something you want Chiffon and Poppy to make better, like for example, the McRib or Donald Trump’s hair or whatever, be sure to leave us a comment below! 

About Chiffon Dior 478 Articles

Despite being a drag journalist for over five years, Chiffon only recently realized that she missed a golden opportunity back then to change her drag name to Rhoda Story.

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