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I have an obstacle that I cannot get through or around: my future in-laws. I have been with my boyfriend for over 4 years and I have a problem with them and how they treat us. Particularly, how they don’t treat us.
It’s as if we don’t exist. They don’t invite us to social gatherings much. We might see them 2 or 3 times a year. Before I came along, everyone seemed very family-oriented. I went on a family trip to the coast with them once. Since then, we have not been invited back. I thought I might have done something wrong. As it turns out, they never mentioned their family trips to my boyfriend.
I have already decided to no longer invest myself or my emotions into that family. It’s one thing to have a problem with me, but their own son too? With no remark?
My question to you is, even if I have decided to break free from their negativity, I still feel like my boyfriend and I should tell them how we feel. How do I even begin? How should I go about telling them? Should I bother?
Yoko Ono II”
Thank you for your question…your very, very, very LONG question. I mean, Jesus lady! But I’m going to take this journey with you.
I’ve been with my partner for over 15 years so I’ve had my share of in-law drama over the years. Oh yes, honey…stuff that would curl your hair and then straighten it.
Usually, if someone is disrespectful to me, I cut them off – instantly! I have zero tolerance for bullshit, no matter who you are (just ask around – my reputation precedes me on this). However, when it comes to my in-laws, it’s different. I won’t put up with stuff from my OWN family that I put up with from my in-laws, but I have a very good reason: I love my partner more than my own ego.
If you want a really long relationship with him – more than 4 years as well as a long, happy marriage – you MUST have as good of a relationship with his family as is humanly possible. They aren’t going anywhere. I’m going to say that again:
They aren’t going anywhere.
Now remember, I get where you’re coming from. We are peas in a pod – when wronged, we’re wrathful…but that won’t get you far. Do you want to be right or do you want to be happy? You don’t get to be both in this situation.
Do I think you should bother having a dialogue with them about this? Abso-freaking-lutely! You HAVE TO – for the sake of your relationship. Contact them when they return from their trip and put all your cards on the table. I do think your boyfriend should initiate it though. It is his family after all.
Now, here’s the thing: if you try and make amends and they don’t return it, then you can say that you made every effort possible. Then, the state of the relationship can be on their conscious. You’ll know that you did your best, for his sake.
I hope this advice helps. Keep me posted; I want to know how it turns out!