The Official NS4W Preview
Early on in the history of NS4W, we did a piece comparing and contrasting the similarities between RuPaul’s Drag Race and Monday Night Raw (See Part One here and Part Two here). Now we’re delving into the squared circle once again, this time with a look at “The Biggest Fight of the Summer”. No, it’s not the struggle between Poppy Fields and her Spanx. It’s SummerSlam featuring the superstars of the WWE! Myself, Sidney and the Crunk Panda will break it all down for you with a healthy dose of snark included absolutely free!
Chiffon Dior: Ladies and gentlemen……my name is Chiffon Dior…..and this is the official NS4W Summer Slam preview. Joining me this evening is our Senior Popular Culture Correspondent Sidney Stokes and our newest contributor and resident Ghostbuster, the Crunk Panda. Sidney, Panda…on a scale of 1 to 10, how excited are you for SummerSlam?
Sidney Stokes: I wanna say an honest answer and say six. The card is built around two matches and everything else is a rematch. I think six is more the fair.
Crunk Panda: I’m at about a seven, some good build up for a few matches and then some fuller for good measure. Some potential show stealers so I’m intrigued.
CD: I would say I was at a solid 8 prior to that awful Daniel Bryan affair storyline this past Monday but I’m not emotionally prepared to discuss that yet. I’ll say six and half. So since they haven’t announced one yet, what do you think the pre-show match will be?
CP: I hope it’s anything El Torito related. That dude was killing the pre-show game a while back.
SS: I think Titus and Slater vs. some team. Then again is Sheamus on the card? Ya know..the US champion? Is he on the second biggest PPV of the year?
CD: No Sheamus, no Usos and sadly no Great Khali on the card as of right now.
CP: Sheamus should have to fight the sun in a sunscreen on a pole match
CD: Stop trying to make Vince Russo happen Panda. It’s not going to happen!
CP: We need to quit trying to make Zack Ryder happen.
SS:Titus, Slater, Hornswoggle vs USOs and Sheamus.
CD: Ugh, I am holding you personally responsible if that happens Sidney. I am going to say Bo Dallas vs. someone who doesn’t Bo-lieve. Before we run down the card, what do you think the chances are that we see Sting on this show?
CP: I don’t see any real fit for Sting, Hogan’s weird birthday thing would have been the time to add him to the retirement home, not the second biggest show of the year.
SS: I say they save Sting as a surprise Rumble entrant.
CD: I would have to agree. I do think they wheel him out at some point, just not this Sunday. Okay, so let’s start with the Intercontinental title match between the Miz and Dolph Zigglar. Who are you picking?
SS; I wanna say Miz, only because they are still using him as a PR wunderkind and it makes for better photos with him as the champion. Also…he IS awesome.
CP: I still like Miz. I think he needs some polish, but, he’s got a good heel feel about him. Dolph is amazing, but, WWE doesn’t seem to trust him with anything.
CD: Well, to be fair, he DID have the nerve to get concussed after they gave him the World title, so it’s really his fault.
CP: I’d like to see Dolph near a certain victory and then have the remainder of the Spirit Squad run in to cost him the match.
SS: I am unashamed of saying Miz is fantastic and deserved his WWE title run.
CP: I agree Sidney, I’m a Miz guy.
CD: I think Miz does his best Honky Tonk Man impression and retains the title but goes home with “the loser’s share of the purse” (™Gorilla Monsoon).
CP: Miz should start referencing his debonair hair. You can have that Miz. Debonair Hair™. Regardless of the outcome, Miz still goes home with the prom queen.
CD: Nice segue Panda. So moving on to the Prom Queen title….I mean Diva’s Title match between AJ and Paige, is this the first time they’ve had two women with the same crazy gimmick at the same time in the same match?
SS: Paige. She is fantastic and it’s a great chance to show she can win big.
CP: I really don’t care about this match at all. I love AJ, and Paige has a great move set, but, I just don’t care about this match at all. Which is odd, I’m a big fan of the divas division (on paper).
CD: Seriously though, what is with the crazy stalker gimmick for Divas? Paige has it, AJ has it, Victoria had it, Mickie James had it, hell, going back Tori had it. I’m sure Mae Young had it at some point too.
SS: I need to see a Female version of the Nexus come up from NXT and destroy the Total Divas…Nattie defects.
CP: NXT is where it’s at Diva wise. The main show has just been recycling the same old stuff it seems
SS: Oh man preach!
CD: Why can’t they do more great original idea like having a diva with a huge growth on her face as her gimmick? Now that was brilliant! Um, yeah…so I think Paige wins. Anyone have anything else to add?
SS: NXT is the only place for great female wrestling in a mainstream setting.
CD: Until someone reboots GLOW! I was kidding! No one reboot GLOW! Seriously! Don’t!
CP: GLOW WAS THE GREATEST!
SS: Fine but can Logo do a “Wrestling’s Trashiest Fighters” spinoff.
CP: Sounds like TNA.
CD: Uh oh! I didn’t realize I was opening Pandora’s Box! (Not to be confused with our friend Pandora Boxx! Check out my recent interview with her here!)
SS: Pandora and Darienne as a Tag Team! Imagine that!
CD: That would be like Team JeriShow. Um…moving on.
SS: Did you bring up JeriShow as a segue?
CD: No, but since you mentioned it, let’s talk about Chris Jericho vs. Bray Wyatt, shall we? #subtle
SS: Bray. The man needs a strong clean win and this is the only place to do it. Considering they’ve built up how Harper and Rowan are not at ringside, he MUST win!
CP: Potential show stealer, I know that’s cliche with Jericho, but, Wyatt hasn’t been as focal as he had been with Cena. I would like a Wyatt win, just to see Jericho keep chasing.
CD: I agree that Bray wins, especially since Jericho hasn’t won a match since we invaded Iraq the first time….or was that the second time?
SS: Jericho winning does nothing unless he’s being built up to win the WWE World title, which he’s not, but Bray should be. Bray is an all around amazing performer, he needs to win and I believe will win.
CD: I will still point out yet again that Bray needs to stop wearing white pants. No one who lives in the swamp would ever wear white pants. Let’s not even mention that it’s almost Labor Day.
CP: I see no upside to a Jericho win. Bray does need to drop the elementary school crab walk. It’s horribly bad and serves no real purpose.
SS: Jericho winning at Payback was fine because he needed a big win to reestablish himself, since he is an all time great, but a win here won’t help him.
CD: We need to touch on the real controversy though. Panda, how do you feel about Erick Rowan stealing your look?
CP: I can’t believe you brought this up. I’d like the record to show I’ve been a dirty ginger way WAY longer. He’s even stealing my jumpsuit gimmick. Excuse my language, but, it’s bullshit.
SS: Chiffon said the same thing about Tammy Faye Baker in the 90s. That said, Panda…wanna cut a challenge promo to Rowan?
CD: Oh yes. That could be our pre-show match!
CP: ROWAN, YOU THINK YOU CAN WALK IN AND RUB ANOTHER MAN’S RHUBARB? You think you can just shun Rogaine like me and get away with it? I shower once a month whether I need it or not, and then you come along making me shower even less. THIS SUNDAY I’m shaving your face, come hell or high water!
CD: That just sold more tickets than anything Randy Orton has ever said.
CP: I put asses in seats.
CD: Speaking of great promos, let’s talk about the flag match between Tea Party babyface Jack Swagger and evil Russian who was from Bulgaria a few months ago, Rusev.
CP: Can we just scrap the match and have Lana and Dutch debate for 17 minutes?
CD: Panda, has Lana’s restraining order against you been lifted yet or are you not allowed to comment on her still?
CP: I can talk about her. I just can’t go to any shows.
SS: I agree with Panda, I’d rather see that but I’m gonna say the fans get a victory with Swagger. winning. He deserves it.
CD: Good, good. So we can agree that these promos between Lana and Zeb Coulter have been the second best thing about this program…with the first being that that WWE was able to recycle all of Debra McMichaels’ old business suits?
CP: Swagger FTW, his face turn has been a shocker for me. People love anything with the Stars and Stripes.
SS: I do hate how the Tea Party flag and phrase is being cheered. Also, hope when they future endeavor Rusev, Lana sticks around.
CD: Lana is fantastic. Period. The Tea Party, not so much.
CP: Lana is amazing. On all sides.
SS: Yup…she needs to win regardless of who wins the match.
CP: I win every time she comes out.
CD: So do we all agree Swagger gets the feel good win before getting his ass kicked by Rusev, probably on Raw Monday?
CD: Okay, let’s talk about the least anticlimactic stipulation match since the Judy Bagwell on a Pole match, Dean Ambrose vs. Seth Rollins in a….wait for it….a lumberjack match.
SS: Rollins. This feud continues and should end at and in Hell in a Cell. The Shield was too awesome to not go out in an epic way.
CP: I love it. They’ve pissed everyone off and it’s going to be brutal. Ambrose reminds me of Funk right now and I love it. I agree with the Rollins win, I’d rather have Ambrose continue to haunt him
SS: Ambrose is the best mic guy the have and he’s amazing in the ring. As long as Ambrose can be Ambrose, I’m on board.
CP: WWE Universe still really hasn’t seen Ambrose, which is fantastic to think about.
SS: So what happened is that Rowdy Roddy Piper and Jake the Snake were drinking with Funk. They decided to make a wrestler but before that wrestler was finished, Brian Pillman got to throw some of himself in there last minute….and that way. all of those men will get to win the top prize when Ambrose eventually wins the WWE world championship
CP: That’s the most beautiful thing I’ve ever read.
CD: By Funk you mean Flash Funk of course, right?
SS: Even though his creators made him, Ambrose is still quite unique.
CD: There is also an ample helping of Heath Ledger’s Joker mixed into him as well.
CP: Did you ever see any of his earlier promos before WWE? Legit Joker.
CD: Cesar Romero Joker?
SS: I have and they are great! Think the audience will start chanting “CZW! CZW! CZW!” when he comes out?
CD: I have to say Rollins ekes out the win through nefarious means, as villains tend to do. Ambrose is the one they should really be pushing to the moon, not Reigns. There. I said it and I’m not going to apologize.
CP: Reigns isn’t ready.
SS: I love Reigns and think they are still doing a fine job of pushing him but I’ll talk more on him when we get to his match.
CD: Shall we talk about the Reigns vs. Orton match then? Here’s a spoiler: Orton busts out a really non-painful looking chinlock for several minutes in the match.
SS: *GAYSP* No! I’m shocked! What a turn of events!
CP: Please let Reigns win. I know I don’t think he’s quite ready, but, Orton has just never appealed to me. I’ll never get the corporate champ thing with him. Solid worker*yawn*, but, I just don’t care about him at all. Reigns needs to eat the Legend Killer to solidify his position, fighting all the odds (and rest holds) and getting the win.
SS: Reigns needs the win. This should be one and done and build to Triple H vs Reigns.
CD: Can he do any moves other than the spear and Superman punch? Maybe the Zod Neck Snap?
SS: Do we REALLY need to reference that awful movie?
CP: He can do the heart steal, where he gazes deep into your eyes, brushes his hair to the side…and you are his.
CD: He won you over with that commercial where he was having tea with his daughter, didn’t he Panda?
CP: He won me over at a Smackdown taping where after the cameras went off, he stuck around a good while meeting people and signing things, legit good dude.
SS: Here is where I stand with Reigns: I really like him and never thought I would from when I first saw him. That guy has IT. My one issue right now is that he needs to be a silent killer. He works best that way. The problem with him is that between his attire and his entrance he’s starting to come off as that guy still holding out for The Shield to reunite. Both Ambrose and Rollins have new entrance music and attire, Regins needs the same. It’s a small detail that will go a long way.
CP: I’m still not convinced the Shield isn’t still together and just infiltrating.
CD: I agree Reigns will win so let’s move on to the…..*shakes head* second biggest match on the show, Stephanie McMahon taking on Brie Bella. Sigh.
SS: We have three champions that don’t have Summerslam matches and ugh…well, this match. No matter who wins, the fans lose.
CP: The match had such good heat and then they just pissed on it Monday. They should add a stipulation: If Steph wins she has to go on What Not To Wear. If Steph loses…she has to go on What Not a To Wear.
SS: Exactly what Panda said.
CD: I second that. The motion has passed. Stipulation added. Does she even own a full length mirror?
SS: I loved the buildup, Steph is amazing in her role, but these two cannot wrestle and it’s all story.
CP: I think Brie wins by applying the Maybe Lock that she used on Monday night.
SS: Unless it involves Bryan coming back and taking out Triple H, this is gonna be lame.
CD: How does Steph get Triple H in her corner while Brie gets her emaciated sister Nikki in her corner? I predict Nikki turns on her sister.
CP: Well, we do need something for the next season of whatever they hell that Divas show is called. I’m just glad Brie made bail, it was set at nine ninety nine.
SS: But do they factor storylines into that?
CP: THERE IS NO STORYLINE, ONLY THE WWE UNIVERSE!
CD: I would pay good money to see Ronda Rousey added to the cast of Total Divas.
SS: Are we still talking about this match?
CP: Everyone needs a good potty break match, it’s serving a purpose
SS:Winner: who cares. Loser: Us.
CD: Okay, so that brings us to the “Biggest Fight of the Summer” and I don’t mean Orlando Bloom vs. the Biebs. It’s John Cena vs. Paul Heyman’s client, Buuuuh….rock Lesnar. Can we take a moment to say how brilliant Paul has been?
SS: Paul Heyman deserves an Emmy. He is a performer on a television program and deserves an award for how great he is. I am legit serious in that I feel his performance is on par with Bryan Cranston.
CP: Heyman won every award the other night. His rap was better than anything on Billboard not called Fancy.
SS: I’m torn. I am not a Cena fan but I respect what he does for the business and have loved some of his matches. That said, he is over pushed and not as great as others who deserve that spot. That said I am a Brock fan but do not want to see a part time champion.
CP: Brock needs to kill Cena. He needs to have a long and brutal match. Cena needs to get his ass kicked to solidify how badass Brock is and to reaffirm that he is the guy who killed the Taker’s streak. Then we all go for delicious Jimmy John’s.
CD: I would have a tough time disagreeing. He has sold more subscriptions to the network than every episode of Legends House put together.
SS: I agree, Brock needs to destroy Cena. Brock needs to win the title with the addendum that he shows up more. He doesn’t need to wrestle. He can just stand behind future Emmy winner Paul Heyman and let him talk.
CD: I would like to see him work more as champ but I think it would be deliciously evil if he refused in the storyline to not work Night of Champions, to show Triple H he really did make a deal with the devil.
CP: I don’t think it’s accidental that the entire WWE roster didn’t budge from the stage when Lesnar was face to face to Hogan. I think they wanted to reinforce that he is a feared man, and to help solidify the Super Cena legacy to get people engaged.
CD: He’s not going to destroy Cena but I would settle for a good solid clean win.
SS: But him standing there holding the belt is an amazing visual. I will say this, I’ve been to Raw and Summerslam in LA and LA HATES Cena! If WWE wants another massive boo-fest(ala Batista winning the Rumble) they’ll have Cena win.
CD: You mean Bluetista.
CP: Bluetista just saved the universe and you don’t even care!
CD: How miserable would Dave have been if Drax was blue?
*Panda and Sidney ramble about the new WWE title belt that should be unveiled soon*
CD: Are we all going to ignore my brilliant what if Drax was blue line? *storms off in tears*
SS: We are ignoring Batista’s last WWE run.
CP: It didn’t fly over my head, my reflexes are too fast and I caught it.
CD: “Points!” – Chris Hardwick
CD: So we all think Brock will win the title. Do we all agree that he will retain the title until Wrestlemania?
SS: I think he could but he has GOT to show at least thrice a month. No excuse.
CP: I disagree, I think having him hold the title and be around less would be amazing. Show how little he cares about it, and then when he drops it, it actually gains some importance again instead of being just a prop.
SS: I would agree but the reality is that WWE treats it like a prop. I’d be so okay with seeing Lesnar lose to Bryan.
CD: Lesnar vs. Daniel Bryan would be amazing but the odds are it will be Lesnar vs. Reigns because….well…God hates us.
SS: Having Bryan beat Lesnar clean would put Bryan in an amazing spot even bigger than when he left.
CP: I don’t know, I’d like to see it, but, it’s hard to imagine Bryan as the Brock killer.
CP: If the investors understood wrestling storytelling, Vince would be ousted/
CD: Well, no. Not they way they book him. But a gal can dream, yes?
SS: It’s wrestling, the dream is what makes us keep coming back.
CP: I only dream what I’m told.
CD: The American Dream, Dusty Rhodes?
SS: His kids need to be facing the Usos Sunday.
CD: They’re too busy babbling about one of Thanos’ Infinity Stones I think.
CP: You say that like it’s bad.
SS: They ARE Infinity Stones.
CD: Okay, shall we each make a ridiculous prediction for the show before we call it a night?
SS: Sure, ladies first.
CD: I’m going to predict that Brock wins the title and then turns around and sells the title to the Million Dollar Man, Ted DiBiase.
CP: Flo Rida comes out and cashes in a money in the bank contract no one knew about, beats Lesnar and performs a three year old song as the fancy new logo fades into screen and slowly fades out. Followed on the network by the new series WWE Sponsored Rehab that opens with Sunny crying.
SS: AJ retains only for CM Punk to come down and cash in his “Money in the Clutch” clutch and win the Divas Championship.
CD: Any of these would be better than the Steph-Brie match. Okay gentlemen, thank you for time this evening. Any final words of wisdom for the NS4W Universe?
SS: Watch NXT.
CD: Before we call it an evening, I’m excited to announce that Sidney will be taking over the NS4W Twitter account to live tweet SummerSlam and by excited I mean extremely nervous. In the words of Corpsman Dey of the Nova Corp, “This might not be our best idea.”