In which Poppy predicts the future…
Happy New Year, Pop Tarts! 2015 – can you believe it? Last year was a rollercoaster of a year for me, with a lot of “ups and downs” – especially with my houseboy, Fernando – so here’s hoping that you have many more “ups” than you do “downs” (unless you, too, have a houseboy like Fernando, in which case I highly recommend both. Often.)
Now, you may or may not know that I’m a little bit psychic. It’s a talent that I’ve had all my life, first discovered when I predicted that my Uncle Filmore would be killed by a falling cow. I was about six years old at the time, and while sitting at breakfast one morning I had a sudden, horrible vision of Uncle Filmore – spread-eagle on the ground and dead as a doornail – beneath our trusty milk-cow, Billie Sue. When I told my grandmother, she – of course – thought it was just my vivid imagination; but sure enough, one week later, Uncle Filmore met a tragic end. We’re not quite sure how Billie Sue got into the hayloft, but we know how she got out of it – a flying leap onto Uncle Filmore. My prediction had come true, and Granny thereafter said that I had “the sight.”
Incidentally, Billie Sue was fine, completely unharmed, because Filmore broke her fall. Granny secretly believed it was a revenge-killing, because Uncle Filmore always milked Billie Sue, and his hands were cold as a witch’s tit in a brass bra. But I digress…
I’ve decided for my first “Coffee Corner” of 2015, I will share my gift of “the sight” with you all and put forth my predictions for the coming year, following in the footsteps of other great Hollywood psychics like Jeanne Dixon, Sylvia Browne, and Miss Cleo. So without futher ado, here are…
POPPY’S PREDICTIONS FOR 2015!
(a completely accurate guide to the year ahead…mostly)
- In February, notorious (dead) Republican Jesse Helms will return from the grave to inform his fellow party members that climate change is indeed real and that hell, in fact, has frozen over. Fox News declines to air the story, calling Helms a “bleeding-heart liberal.”
- April will find RuPaul’s Drag Race star Bianca Del Rio, along with a battalion of other drag queens, storming the Westboro Baptist Church headquarters while chanting “Not Today, Satan!” After a little bloodshed and a lot of glitter-bombing, head harpy-in-charge Shirley Roper-Phelps will renounce her wickedness and declare her love for women, thereafter leading Pride parades all over the country with her fellow “Dykes on Bikes.”
- In May, Marvel Studios pays off the entire national debt using a portion of the profits from Avengers 2. Immediately thereafter, Robert Downey, Jr. announces he will run for President of the United States in 2016 because…hey…he’s friggin’ Iron Man, right?
- In June, after President Obama signs an executive order making same-sex marriage legal at the federal level, Rush Limbaugh, Sean Hannity, Glenn Beck, and Ann Coulter will seal themselves in a bunker and go on a hunger strike in protest. No one will care; however, several weeks later, police will storm the bunker only to find that Ann Coulter devoured all three men and then died of salmonella.
- August: In a freak plastic-surgery accident, Sharon Needles’ entire body is replaced with silicone. She is pleased, and thereafter makes millions by selling her sweat as lube.
- November: Kim Kardashian will appear in the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade as a balloon. Unfortunately, the clowns holding the cables will lose control, and 10 Rockettes will be injured when her ass gets stuck in Herald Square.
- December will begin with the stunning revelation that – after a covert investigation – Justin Bieber is not actually Canadian, but rather Russian and the son of Vladimir Putin, explaining both his penchant for removing his shirt at inappropriate times and general douche-baggery. Canadians from Montreal to Vancouver gather around Christmas trees rejoicing like the Whos in Who-ville.
That’s all I’m picking up across the psychic-airwaves for now, Pop Tarts; but should I get any other important communications, I will certainly let you know. I’m so very excited about the upcoming year; in addition to one or two new shows from Mack & Poppy, I’m working on my very first solo show – hopefully to be performed in late Spring! Be on the lookout for more about that. Also, you can expect Coffee Corner columns, as well as interviews and special features from me and head-diva Chiffon Dior! Thanks for reading, and have a wonderful 2015!!!