Ass Cheeks! Ass Cheeks, ass cheeks, ass cheeks!
No, I don’t have Tourette syndrome, Pop Tarts. I’m just absolutely beside myself over the amount of ass cheeks I’ve seen recently – protruding out of short-shorts on young women!
Now I’m all for freedom of expression, and Lord knows I don’t have any problem with nudity – I’m a closet nudist, after all.
I only get nude in my closet. *rimshot*
But seriously. The other day, I saw two young ladies – both of whom couldn’t have been more than 15 years old – walking down Sunset Boulevard wearing shorts so short that their ass cheeks were showing. Teenagers! Showing ass!
I’m no prude…far, far, faaaaaaaaaaaaaar from it…but that made me purse my lips tighter than a Baptist’s butthole at a foam party on Fire Island.
I don’t know about you, gentle readers, but had I worn shorts that short back in Possum Trot when I was 15 years old, my Granny wouldn’t have let me leave the house, much less walk down the street. She would have locked me in a closet and made me pray, like Piper Laurie did to Sissy Spacek in “Carrie.” Back in my day, we went through a “Daisy Duke” phase as well, but those were at least a couple of inches below the curve of the ass-cheek.
And then, after arriving at the coffee shop, I began to notice other women walking up and down the street, asses hanging out of shorts left and right! It was an ass-cheek smorgasbord. There was even a young lady a few seats down from me in the coffee shop sporting this “trend”!
This begs the question: if one’s shorts are that short in the back, how comfortable could they be on “Miss Glory”?
“Miss Glory” was my Granny’s word for the va-jay-jay. She used to say, “close your legs, Poppy. ‘Miss Glory’ is making an appearance at the barbeque.”
Furthermore, when your shorts are that short, and you sit on public benches, chairs, etc., doesn’t that cause some…well…issues with hygiene and the like? I shudder to think about it. I like at least two to three solid layers between “Miss Glory” and the chair at my nail salon. Or any chair, for that matter.
Come to think of it, when the girl at the coffee shop got up from her chair, I did hear a sound much like the noise your dildo makes when you pull the suction cup off the shower wall.
I just don’t get it.
And I know some of you are thinking, “Now, Poppy – isn’t it a bit hypocritical for you to be so prudish when you were once a topless showgirl in Vegas?” And to that I reply a resounding “NO!”
All my naughty bits were covered with rhinestones, and everyone knows rhinestones are classy.
Except on “Miss Glory.” Next week, I will discuss the pitfalls of “vajazzling.”
Until then, Pop Tarts, have a great week and keep “Miss Glory” covered!
Poppy Fields is indeed from the Deep South – Alabama, in fact – but don’t hold that against her. As one-half of the cabaret duo, Mack & Poppy, she spends most of her time sewing on rhinestones, rehearsing music, and ogling hot men on the streets of West Hollywood. Follow her on Twitter here.