Recapping the Drag Race Recaps (aka Beating a Dead Horse) Part I

Thanks to my friends over at Blabberazzi.com, we’re able to present a compilation of my recaps of this past season of RuPaul’s Drag Race, now with even more seizure-inducing animated GIFs! Party!


Episode 1: The First Seven Bitches

Behold this season's 14 glorious bitches
Behold this season’s 14 glorious bitches

As the winter turns into spring, people’s attention turns from shoveling snow and complaining about the cold to thoughts of warmer weather, flowers, longer days and of course … sassy gay men in dresses trying to one-up each other on TV! That’s right boys and girls, it’s time for yet another season of “RuPaul’s Drag Race” on Logo Television.

(For those of you that have never seen the channel before: If you’re 70 or older, Logo is at least 150 channels past CBS. If you’re under 70, it’s somewhere between “Antiques Roadshow” and whatever channel Nancy Grace is on.)

This week began the sixth season of the popular show. By this point in its own run, “Cheers” had already replaced Shelley Long (who was robbed of an Oscar for her work in “Troop Beverly Hills”) with Kirstie Alley, but the crew of “Drag Race” remains basically intact. We’ve got RuPaul herself as host or hostess — depending on which part of the show you’re watching — along with her faithful sidekicks and fellow judges, Santino Rice and Michelle Visage, plus an interchangeable “Pit Crew” of half-naked muscle men.

The show consists of 14 drag hopefuls competing for the grand prize of $100,000 — a vast improvement from the first season, during which I believe the winner got a $100 gift card to Outback Steakhouse and an IOU for a “One Good Backrub” from one of the muscle men.

After much hoopla, “Drag Race” begins with the girls making their dramatic entrances into the work room, one by one.

First up is Adore Delano, whose prior claim to fame was looking like a “lesbian Jonas brother” while a contestant on “American Idol,” imagery that is as disturbing as it sounds.

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Next up was Ben Delacreme, who is either brilliantly playing a madcap character or has missed her last three months’ doses of Ritalin.

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Maybe those Pixie Sticks were a bad idea.

Following Ben was Gia Gunn, who, if she was half as beautiful as she seems to think she is, would be a model married to Tom Brady. She carried what looked like a bad knock-off of Chanel’s infamous hula-hoop bag.

The rest of the cast included Laganja Estranja, who for unknown reasons promptly did some variation of “stop, drop and roll”; April Carrion, who was dressed like a cross between Lara Croft and a Girl Scout; Kelly Mantle, an actress who very cleverly mentions that she won’t plug her IMDB like some people (a reference to shameless self-promoter Willam from season 4) — which of course led to me checking out her IMDB. Well played, Kelly. Well played.

Help! I've fallen and I can't get up!
Help! I’ve fallen and I can’t get up!

Next up was Vivacious, a club kid from New York City with over 20 years of drag experience, who showed up in a costume that made her look like the love child from a drunken one-night stand between ET and an ostrich.

Now, here’s where the “shocking” swerve takes place. Instead of having all of this season’s 14 bitches show up at once, the first seven had to compete against each other — with one person sent packing immediately. **cue dramatic music**

The girls are quickly shuffled off into the first challenge, which I’ve catchily titled “jumping off a platform into a pit of foam while photographer Mike Ruiz tries to take a glamorous picture of you.” I think the US won Bronze in that event in Sochi.

Anyway, Laganja emerged from the challenge victorious, earning her the right to assign each girl a theme for the main runway challenge of the night — which was creating a look based on popular television shows like “Duck Dynasty,” “Game of Thrones,” “Honey Boo Boo” and other assorted reality crap.

As our heroes scurry off to the work room, that’s when the characters and drama start to take shape. Some of the girls might not be able to spell “cat” if you spotted them the C and the T, others have wardrobe issues that stress them out after RuPaul herself seems to “tsk tsk” their ideas, and Gia Gunn clearly feels comfortable playing the villain this season.

So after some more drama, the girls hit the runway to be judged by Ru, Michelle (whose boobs seem to get exponentially bigger each season in defiance of gravity), Santino and the guest judges, who this week were photographer Mike Ruiz and singer Adam Lambert.

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With the exception of Ben Delacreme’s “Golden Girls” look and April Carrion’s “Duck Dynasty” ensemble, the runway looks were fairly uninspiring, but April’s hairstyle led to one of the best moments of the episode between Ru and Lambert.

Adam: “I thought it was kinda hot.” RuPaul: “That’s because you want to *bleep* her.”

Ben wins the challenge and the judges decide that Kelly Mantle and Vivacious are in the bottom two and will thus be forced to “lip sync for their lives,” which is sort of like a steel cage match to the death only no one dies and there’s no cage.

As always, Ru reminds the two ladies “don’t f— it up,” and they battle it out to the strains of Madonna’s “Express Yourself.” Vivacious’ higher energy routine wins the challenge, forcing Kelly to sashay away. Thanks for playing, Kelly. Your lovely parting gifts include the “RuPaul’s Drag Race Home Game” by Mattel.

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Next week, the other seven other contestants will be introduced — and I’ll be back with more “Drag Race” shenanigans. See you then, darlings.

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Episode 2: Seven More Bitches

Class picture day at the all-gay high school was almost more trouble than it was worth
Class picture day at the all gay high school was almost more trouble than it was worth

Helloooooooooo boys and girls and boys dressed up as girls! It’s time for another edition of TALKING DRAG RACE with Chiffon Dior. If you’re reading this, it means you’re either a close personal friend of mine, darling, or you have one of those tragic red state cable companies that refuses to carry Logo (but on the bright side, you can probably watch “The 700 Club” on demand). Well either way, it’s time to spill the tea on this week’s edition of “RuPaul’s Drag Race” … or as John Travolta would call it, “Rand Paul’s Dog Rash.”
This time, we got seven new bitches competing against each other for the chance to make it to this week’s Tribal Council and get back to camp to meet up with the other survivors (or something like that). Just like last week, the girls filed in one by one, making their dramatic entrances for all the fans at home. First up is Bianca Del Rio, a quick-witted insult comic queen wearing enough makeup to shame Tammy Faye Baker. She announces her arrival to no one in particular since the room is empty. tumblr_n1vpk0iLgi1qlvwnco1_250

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The parade of divas continues with Trinity K. Bonet, who sounds an awful lot like Jamie Foxx; Joslyn Fox (who may or may not be out on loan from Mensa International); and Magnolia Crawford, whose nose was so cosmetically contoured it looked like Danny Devito’s in “Batman Returns.”

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Not Magnolia Crawford’s nose

Next out was Australian superstar Courtney Act, who made thousands of women across the country sigh in unison, “She is SO much prettier than I am!” They were all correct. Courtney is an icon Down Under, having made it all the way to the semi-finals of the first season of “Australian Idol.” (If you’re slow, that’s like “American Idol,” only in Australia.)

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Yes. She’s prettier than you. Deal.

Rounding out this batch of good wholesome gals was Milk, who showed up looking like a cross between a Mexican bullfighter and Mary Poppins, and Darienne Lake, who’s large and in charge and happy to let everyone know it. The girls were quickly shuffled over to a bed for a photo shoot with four half-naked muscle men. (Let’s just say they were lucky that “Untucked” didn’t accidentally start 45 minutes early.) So like the true professionals that they are, the ladies did their best work in bed. And during the course of the shoot, this little gem happened.

“Pillows are coming in my face!” – Joslyn Fox

Of course they are honey. For those of you playing along at home, feel free to insert your own joke here. Moving on, Trinity emerged as the victor of the mini-challenge, giving her rights to assign different party boxes to the other queens to use for the main runway challenge. She took the Princess party for herself, giving the rest of the parties — St. Patrick’s Day, Hoe Down, and Republican among them — to her rivals. Our fearless heroines then got to work on their outfits before they were visited as always by boy Ru, who chatted up each queen and stirred up just enough drama to create a slight bit of doubt for the audience that their favorite just might not safe. (Truth be told, they could only manufacture so much chaos this week because it quickly became obvious who was getting the stiletto’d boot.) rupaul-nod So then it was off to the main stage for these bitches to strut their party looks on the runway for our judges: RuPaul, Michelle Visage, Santino Rice and special guest judge Khloe Kardashian (who proceeds to repeatedly share WAYYYYYYY too much about her lady parts).

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The runway was quite fabulous this week with Trinity K. Bonet unveiling a fierce Queen Amidala-inspired look from the crappy “Star Wars” prequels, Bianca serving “Blue Hawaii” realness, Joslyn serving ADHD realness by using basically every single fabric in her party box, Milk somehow making a long white beard work, and Courtney wearing essentially a handkerchief **cough skinny bitch cough**. The remaining ladies didn’t fare nearly as well. Darienne’s St. Patty’s Day look was rather bland (and provided yet another excuse for Khloe to talk about her vaj), and Magnolia’s cowgirl look was a poorly glued-together piece of cow print fabric.

What not to wear
What not to wear

The two of them were thus forced to lip sync for their lives to Gloria Estefan’s “Turn the Beat Around.” Once again Ru reminds the ladies “don’t f— it up,” but even if Magnolia hadn’t been so surly to the judges (and oh she was), the simple fact that Darienne knew the lyrics to the song was probably enough for her to win the challenge — forcing Magnolia to sashay away. This week’s lessons, then, are learn how to sew before going on “Drag Race,” don’t argue with the judges about your subpar costume, and for God’s sake, know the lyrics to drag show standards. Next week, the two rival tribes will meet in what can only be described as a gay “West Side Story” — or rather, a more gay “West Side Story” — and I’ll be back with more “Drag Race” shenanigans. Ta ta for now, kittens!


Episode 3: Scream Queens

 

If this was prison, Linda Blair would have legally been Michelle Visage's bitch.
If this was prison, Linda Blair would have legally been Michelle Visage’s bitch

 

 

Well kiddies, its time for another edition of TALKING DRAG RACE with Chiffon Dior and remember, of all the “RuPaul’s Drag Race” recaps you can read, this is definitely one of them. In the latest episode, the two groups of queens meet up for the first time — and honey, you could cut the tension in the work room with a brooch. Because much like the Bloods and the Crips, the Hatfields and the McCoys, the Capulets and the Montagues, and Lena Dunham and her stylists, these groups clearly didn’t get along.

For example, Gia Gunn decides to get sassy with Bianca Del Rio, demonstrating a serious lapse in judgment. (If I was on the show this season, I’d treat Bianca the same way that you treat Kim Jong Un: Speak only when spoken to and never make eye contact. Ever.)

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really-bitch

Moving on, our reluctant heroes are forced to pair up with a gal from the other side for a mini-challenge wherein one gets to be the top and the other, the bottom. No, not like that — this challenge was a swimsuit photo challenge where one queen was the legs and the other was the upper torso. And hilarity ensues. Trust me.

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Walmart's Summer Swimsuit Collection was a huge hit.
Walmart’s Summer Swimsuit Collection was a huge hit

Adore Delano and Milk (just “Milk,” like just “cookies”) won the challenge and got to be captains for the main challenge: filming a horror movie, a theme obviously inspired by one of the special guest judges, “The Exorcist” star Linda Blair. The other guest judge is one of the stars of “Game of Thrones,” Lena “I’m not the Lena who looks like a loin of pork with an ill-fitting wardrobe” Headey. lena

The girls then divide into the identical groups that they started with, proving the rivalry runs deep indeed, and film their horrible oops horror movies. Milk’s team seems to have it together with the exception of Trinity K. Bonet, who seemed to struggle with being aware of camera. Which has to be the first time in recorded damned history that such an affliction has befallen a drag queen.

RuPaul: Cut! Cut! Cut! Cut! Cut! Trinity I don’t know why your back is turned. Trinity: You know, that was my character, kinda like sassy ghetto… RuPaul: Well just be sassy ghetto facing your camera.

The second team then films their version of the movie, and with the exception of Ben DeLaCreme, the entire team’s performance was utterly tragic, or at least edited to look that way. (Pretty sure there wasn’t much editing required.)

I'm pretty sure this isn't the first time they've been sprayed in the face.
Oh, like it’s the first time they’ve been sprayed in the face

Ru chooses Darienne Lake‘s magnificent performance as a disembodied head as the winner of the challenge — and rightfully so.

Your mother darns socks in hell!
Your mother darns socks in hell!

On the runway, each queen got to choose her own outfit — and they certainly didn’t waste the opportunity to impress. I can’t even throw shade because they all looked amazing except OH WAIT what the hell was Vivacious wearing? Sweetheart, King Koopa‘s lawyers will be in touch.

Soooo...was there a point to this outfit?
There had to be a point to this. Or a hundred points.

Milk’s team wins the challenge, and Vivacious and April Carrion from the other team wind up in the bottom two. The two of them lip sync for their lives to the dulcet tones of Selena Gomez’s “Shake It Up,” and both queens bring their best to the main stage — but in the end, April is safe, forcing club *ahem* kid Vivacious to sashay away. Thus concludes another exciting episode of “RuPaul’s Drag Race.” See you next week for even  more shenanigans — same Blabberazzi time, same Blabberazzi channel. Ta ta for now, kittens!

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Episode 4: The Rusical

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Well kids, it’s late on St. Patrick’s Day evening and you know what that means. That’s right … it means I downed half a bottle of Jameson so you should read my witty comments with a slur. Also that there is a decent chance I will pass out halfway through this recap. I know you’re all pulling for me to make it so let’s get started.

They don't want to see me barf yet either
They don’t want to see Chiffon start barfing yet either.

So my horribly abused liver aside, I’m still Chiffon Dior and this is still TALKING DRAG RACE. I’ll start by saying Monday’s episode began in spectacularly bitchy fashion yet again as our heroine Bianca Del Rio verbally pimp-slapped Gia Gunn about three times in the opening minute alone.

The mini-challenge was the new, not-so-politically correct game “Female or Shemale?” Wait, hasn’t Maury been doing this bit for years? Anyway, Ben De La Creme and Adore Delano proved to be the best at picking out the ladies vs. the ladies with something “extra,” shall we say, and were rewarded by being named the captains of the main challenge.

A challenge that could only be called …

I would have gone with Ru-ent...but that's just me.
I’d have gone with ‘Ru-ent,’ but that’s just me

So as the teams were divided up, the two leading roles were given to former “Australian Idol” competitor Courtney Act and former “American Idol” competitor Adore Delano (as if being on either show is proof of singing ability). The two sides rehearsed their parts and our two “Idol” songbirds engaged in a lyrical “Anything You Can Do, I Can Do Better” battle right there in the workroom. We’ll rule it a time-limit draw.

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The ladies head off to rehearsal with composer and musical producer Lucian Piane, choreographer Denise Piane and fabulous accompanist Our Lady J. In what is becoming a recurring theme, Trinity Bonet was again stand-offish and surly during rehearsals. She even gave attitude to Bianca, proving just what a glutton for punishment she truly is.

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Ru makes her dramatic entrance and greets Michelle VisageSantino Rice, Michelle’s even-larger-than-usual rack, and guest judges Lucian Piane and legendary diva Sheryl Lee Ralph. The two groups of contestants performed their version of “SHADE: The Rusical” and quite honestly, they were both pretty good.

Courtney and Adore both sang their little hearts out, but I’d give Courtney the decision. The bitch has way too much talent for one queen. Spread the wealth lady!

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Sorry sweetie. You were good. Courtney was better.

Then it was runway time, and although the girls all brought it again, Darriene Lake tempted fate by wearing a green gown in front of noted greenophobe Michelle Visage — who couldn’t help but comment.

Since we're doing musicals, someone cue up "Defying Gravity".
Since we’re doing musicals, someone cue up ‘Defying Gravity’

Color phobias aside, everyone looked amazing … gorgeous, fabulous looks all arou–wait, what the hell is Milk doing now?

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Okay, so in successive weeks, Milk has worn a beard, a Pinocchio nose, and now a baby bump. Even Jan Brady wasn’t screaming out “LOOK AT ME!” this much.

Ru announces that Courtney won the challenge and that despite getting herself knocked up, Milk is one of the girls that is safe this week — leaving Trinity and April to “lip sync for their lives” to the strains of Chaka Khan’s “I’m Every Woman.” This was another very, very close contest, but even the other girls noticed Trinity had it in the bag.

“Trinity is lip-synching the house down boots! I don’t know what that means but she is.” – Courtney Act

Indeed, Trinity was safe, meaning the possibility of Bianca shanking her is still very much in play. Meanwhile, April was sent sashaying away back home to Puerto Rico, and while I’m not positive, I think her final words were, “‘Drag Race’ has been berry, berry good to me!” 

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Well. I managed to make it through St. Patrick’s Day and this episode of “Drag Race.” See you next week for more hilarity as I see this bitch of a hangover. Ah, the glamorous life. Ta ta for now, kittens!


Click here for Part II!

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About Chiffon Dior 479 Articles

Despite being a drag journalist for over five years, Chiffon only recently realized that she missed a golden opportunity back then to change her drag name to Rhoda Story.

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