Voiceover begins: “Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to the 4th Annual WERRRK.com Drag Awards! Please give a warm welcome to our co-hostesses for the evening, WERRRK.com’s own Romy and Michelle … Chiffon Dior and Poppy Fields!”
Poppy walks out looking every bit the flawless southern belle, while Chiffon looks like … her hand is stuck in a Pringles can? Fortunately a stagehand manages to yank it off, shake the crumbs off her dress, and shove her out onto the stage
Chiffon Dior: Hello everybody, and welcome to the 4th Annual WERRRK.com Drag Awards! Poppy, can you believe this is our fourth year together hosting? This is longer than most of my relationships!
Poppy Fields: Most of your relationships end once you pay them and they leave, dear.
CD: Look, if I let them stay they might eat my snacks, okay? I’ve killed a man who tried to eat my leftover lo mein.
PF: And they say romance is dead! Anyway, it’s my favorite time of the year, Chiffon – the time when we honor the best of the year from the world of drag, entertainment, fashion and popular culture!
CD: That’s right Poppy! This past year may have been a living nightmare, but there were some beacons of light in the turd sandwich we called 2017! Are you ready to give away some of our world famous pink trophies?
PF: Let’s do it! Now remember, with the exception of our editorial awards, all of the 2017 Drag Awards have been voted on and decided by the readers of WERRRK.com. We are incredibly excited to say we shattered our record for the number of votes this year with over FIFTY THOUSAND votes cast!
CD: Wow! That’s in ball park of my daily caloric intake, Poppy! That being said, ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to the stage our first presenter! She’s the closest thing to Judy Garland in the Big Apple – Gloria Swansong! Gloria is here to announce the winner of the 2017 WERRRK.com Broadway Show of the Year Award!
- 2014 winner: Hedwig and the Angry Itch
- 2015 winner: Hamilton
- 2016 winner: Falsettos
PF: Congratulations to everyone at Anastasia! Chiffon, have you seen Anastasia yet?
CD: I’m on a mini-boycott until they officially acknowledge her as a real Disney princess.
PF: Good to see you taking a stand on the important issues, Chiffon.
CD: I’m nothing if not an activist, Poppy! So it’s time to welcome our next presenter to the stage who is going to announce the Designer of the Year Award!
PF: Coming to us all the way from … well … I’ll assume a buffet of some sort, it’s our old friend and a former WERRRK pageantry Miss Congeniality, Luna Nova!
- 2014 Winner: Alexander McQueen
- 2015 Winner: Marco Marco
- 2016 Winner: Dallas Coulter
CD: Congratulations, Tony! If you ever start a collection for portly queens, I’m ready to model for you!
PF: You DO have all that experience as a “Before” model.
CD: Listen, twelve bucks and free run at the catering table was a good deal, alright?
PF: You’re quite the negotiator, Chiffon. Anyway, its time to head out across the pond for our next presenter!
CD: That’s right! Ellis Atlantis, our first ever Queen Of The UK is here to reveal her successor! Take it away Ellis!
- 2016 Winner: Ellis Atlantis
CD: Congratulations, Charity, on your big win!
PF: Really? No snappy one liner about how you’re a big charity case yourself when it comes to the boys?
CD: I like to keep you guessing, Poppy! Besides – technically speaking – kidnapping doesn’t really count as charity.
PF: Sighs I knew it! Let’s give out another award before Chiffon says something even more cringe-worthy, shall we?
CD: That’s great idea! In fact, a little birdy told me that it’s also our next presenter’s birthday!
PF: I find that hard to believe because I have yet to see her age! Now let’s please welcome the beautiful birthday girl (and a native Canadian eh!) Deven Green to the stage to reveal the winner of the 2017 WERRRK.com Queen of the Great White North Award! Take it away Deven!
- 2016 Winner: Miss Conception
PF: Congratulations, Raye, on winning – and keep turning out all those amazing looks!
CD: So it’s time for a brand-new award for 2017, Poppy, and I – for one – am excited! It’s time to head down to the land of Crocodile Dundee and Yahoo Serious for next award!
PF: Seriously, do you have any references after 1988, Chiffon? How about Courtney Act for crying out loud? Or Keith Urban … Hugh Jackman … Chris Hemsworth … is it getting warm in here? Whew!
CD: That’s not a knife …
PF: Stop! Just stop! In the name of Cate Blanchett don’t say another word, Chiffon! Please welcome to the stage our friend, Chelsea Piers, to announce the FIRST EVER Queen of Australia award!
CD: Congratulations to the iconic Vanity Faire on becoming our first ever Queen of Austria!
PF: Australia … not Austria, dear. Two different countries.
CD: Oh. I knew that.
PF: Please welcome to the stage our reigning Queen of Los Angeles, the Bond Girl of Drag herself, Diana Dzhaketov! Diana is here to announce the winner of this year’s Queen of Chicago!
- 2016 Winner: Trannika Rex
CD: Congratulations, Soju, on a fabulous year!
PF: The support that all of the Chicago queens showed each other was simply heartwarming. Nothing like here in LA, where every queen will climb over each other in stilettos just for a chance to play a dead hooker on CSI!
CD: Ah yes, the coveted dead hooker role!
PF: Half of my reel is dead hookers.
CD: That’s a really bad sentence out of context.
PF: It’s no prize even if you know the context. Anyway, speaking of dead hookers, it’s time to announce the 2017 WERRRK.com Queen of Los Angeles!
- 2014 Winner: Melissa BeFierce
- 2015 Winner: Misty Violet
- 2016 Winner: Diana Dzhaketov
CD: Congratulations to Vander Von Odd on her win! Now have you ever seen Dragula, Poppy?
PF: I tried watching it. I really did … but all that gore! I get nightmares! And I have enough nightmares during the day when I turn on the TV and see that orange asshat on CNN. I don’t need more of them when I’m trying to get my beauty sleep.
CD: Bathing in the blood of children is what qualifies as beauty sleep these days?
PF: It keeps me young. And it’s not like we’re running low on children. Please! They’re everywhere. Like cockroaches.
CD: So you want me to segue to the Queen of New York Award off of cockroaches? You LA people are such bitches sometimes, Poppy!
PF: Sometimes? Anyway, our reigning queen of Chicago, the one and only Trannika Rex, is here to announce the 2017 WERRRK.com Queen of New York!
- 2014 Winner: Bob the Drag Queen
- 2015 Winners: Marti Gould Cummings and Judy Darling (Tie)
- 2016 Winner: Tina Burner
PF: Congratulations, Brita, on an amazing year and a well-deserved award!
CD: Hey Poppy, I don’t want to interrupt Brita’s moment, but can we go to commercial? I really need a snack.
PF:I suppose I could use a cocktail, too. We’ll be right back after a word from our sponsors!
CD: We’ll be back after this commercial break with the awards for Drag Photographer of the Year, Mr. Los Angeles and the new Mr. New York award, the Drag Moment of the Year,the LGBTQ Person of the Year, the Drag Horizon award winner and much more! Plus, who will be crowned the 2017 WERRRK.com Drag Queen of the Year? Find out shortly after this message from one of our sponsors, Tide Pods! Yes, Tide Pods – not only do they get your laundry super clean, they’re also a delicious and nutritious snack!
Poppy Fields: And we’re back! I’m proud of you Chiffon. You didn’t get a drop of BBQ sauce on your gown during that break!
Chiffon Dior: I may waste time but I don’t waste BBQ sauce Poppy! Let’s give out some more awards, shall we?
PF: Well we actually have an unprecedented situation to address here because the winner of our Queen of Los Angeles has declined our shiny pink trophy.
CD: That’s right Poppy. Vander Von Odd reached out to me after the announcement and said, that while she appreciated the fan support, she felt that she has been travelling outside of LA so much of late, we would be better served recognizing a queen who has spent the bulk of her time working in Los Angeles.
PF: So we’re going to respect her wishes and after checking with our auditors at Price Waterhouse Coopers, we are very excited to announce that, based again on the WERRRK.com universe vote, our new winner is Allusia Alusia!
CD: Congratulations Allusia! You work non stop, make everyone smile, and actually have had to put up with Sidney in real life. We’re proud to bestow this crown on you.!
PF: I’m just grateful that we have a winner. I would have hated to have to claim that title for myself…..just for continuity sake of course.
CD: Of course. Let the record show I just rolled my eyes so hard, I saw brain.
PF: If you only had a brain dear! Anyway, it’s on the musical portion of our show as last year’s winner, Rhea Litré is here to announce the 2017 Drag Queen Song of the Year winner! Take it away Rhea!
- 2014 Winner: “Different” by Pandora Boxx
- 2015 Winner: “Break My Heart” by Scarlett Bobo
- 2016 Winner: “#Lovergirl” by Rhea Litré
CD: Congratulations Trixie! The field this year was absolutely loaded!
PF: Well Chiffon more and more queens are getting being the microphone to express themselves musically! I’ve been known to sing a little ditty every now and then myself you know.
CD: Same here. If there were Grammys for singing in the shower, I’d be like the Adele of the Shower Grammys!
PF: That’s a horrific visual and an absolutely awful segue for an important award, the 2017 WERRRK.com LGBTQ Moment of the Year!
CD: But we’re thrilled to have our new crowned Miss Bio-WERRRK pageant winner, HER? here to present this award!
- 2014 Winner: Spread of Marriage Equality
- 2015 Winner: Marriage Equality becomes the law of the land in the United States
- 2016: A Moment of Silence for the victims of the Pulse Nightclub tragedy
PF: Congratulations to all our brothers and sisters down in Australia!
CD: How did we not have a kangaroo hop out with the envelope in her pouch for that award Poppy?
PF: Because we’re not trying to cause an international incident?
CD: I mean, I guess! But if the President is allowed to do that on a daily basis, why can’t we?
PF: Because our foundation matches our neck?
CD: Point taken!
PF: It’s time for another one of our new awards for this year, the WERRRK.com 2017 Mr. New York Award!
CD: You know I’m loathe to give credit to Sidney but he came to me last year with the idea for a Mr. Los Angeles and it was so popular, we decided to do a Mr. New York this year as well. But if any of you tell Sidney I said nice things about him……you’ll make the list!
PF: You and that silly list Chiffon. No one is scared of your list. Anyway, let’s go to our friend, Showbiz Spitfire Paige Turner to find out who is going to take home the pink trophy!
PF: Congratulations Ari on being our first ever Mr. New York winner!
CD: You know Poppy that was the closest vote this year with Ari winning by one mere vote! There are a lot of talented male entertainers in the Big Apple!
PF: You know, I would be happy to vet all the candidates next year…..
CD: In this current climate, I don’t think we could afford the legal fees Poppy so I am just going to segue to the next award which is……sigh….more hot men who live in your neck of the woods. I have a bad feeling about this.
PF: spritzes breathe spray
CD: I’m going to throw it to our amazing friend Pandora Boxx to announce the WERRRK.com 2017 Mr. Los Angeles award winner while the stage hands hose down my dear sister here.
- 2016 Winner: Tyler Booth
CD: Congratulations to Laith on your win! Now Poppy, are you okay?
PF: I’m sorry. A woman of my age has…..needs.
CD: Yes, I am well aware but right now we needs to move on to our next award.
PF: That segue physically pained me. That’s how bad it was.
CD: I’m going to ignore that and press on. Our next award was formerly known as the BioQueen of the Year award but as time goes on, we learn more and we evolve and this award has as well. We are so honored to rebrand this award by naming it after the legendary Wendy Ho!
PF: And we’re thrilled to have Wendy here to announce this year’s winner! Take it away Wendy!
- 2015 Winner: Kat Sass
- 2016 Winner: Boo Sutcliffe
PF: Congratulations Creme on winning the Wendy Ho award! Do you follow her on Instagram Chiffon?
CD: I do! That queen turns sickening look after sickening look! The WERRRK.com Universe picked a very deserving winner!
PF: And now it’s time to announce another one of our biggest awards of the year, the Drag Horizon Award!
CD: That’s right Poppy. The Drag Horizon Award recognizes the up and coming queens across the country and we have last year’s winner, the fabulous Discord Addams here to announce her successor! Take it away Discord!
- 2015 Winner: Phaedra Phaded
- 2016 Winner: Discord Addams
PF: Congratulations to Kandy who ran away with the award this year! We’re excited to see what is next for you!
CD: You know, I’ve been known to run away with some candy in my day. Especially if it’s those delicious Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups with the Reese’s Pieces stuffed into them.
PF: Is that how you maintain that svelte figure Chiffon?
CD: I’m detecting a trace of sarcasm dear sister.
PF: You should. I’m laying it on pretty thick.
CD: ANYWAY! It’s time to recognize the WERRRK.com 2017 Drag Look of the Year! Last year, the insanely talented Art Simone won for turning out roughly five thousand amazing looks.
PF: Five thousand? In a single calendar year Chiffon?
CD: I was told there would be no math.
PF: Sighs We’re thrilled to have Art here to announce who her successor is going to be. Please give a big hand to Art Simone!
- 2014 Winner: Phi Phi O’Hara
- 2015 Winner: Violet Chachki
- 2016 Winner: Art Simone
PF: We need to take another commercial break but we’ll be back soon with even more awards including the Jim Bailey Lifetime Achievement Award, the Venus Envy Courage Award, the Drag Photographer of the Year, the LGBTQ Person of the Year, the Drag Queen of the Year and more!
CD: But first a word from our friends at Flowbee! Yes Flowbee, when Supercuts is too rich for your blood!