WERRRK.com WRESTLEMANIA 34 Preview

 

*OUT OF NOWHERE, ERIC BISCHOFF’S THEME, “I’M BACK” BEGINS TO PLAY AND CHIFFON DIOR WALKS OUT*

CD: Welcome everyone to the shocking return of WERRRK.com’s WRESTLEMANIA preview! Please welcome the advocate for our site, Mr. Sidney Stokes….

SID: Ladies and gentleladies MY NAME….is Sidney Stokes….

CD: And always, please welcome your friend and mine, the one and only Crunk Panda….

CP: Excelsior! Thanks for checking in, we need to wrap this up though. I need to try to get Asuka to notice me on Twitter.

CD: Be careful what you wish for Panda. And last but certainly not least, the baddest gal on our site, wrestling star Sassy Stephie….

SS: I was trying to think of something witty, but couldn’t think of anything cool.    

SID: Stephie is the Undertaker of this preview, you wanna see her more than anything but is silent.

CD: Well I guess we can start there. What do we think is going to happen with the Undertaker and Mr. Nikki Bella?

CP: I really don’t care for the angle, seems strange to bring Taker back so soon and also for Cena to basically beg on all fours for a match. I guess it makes sense, it’s lowered my expectations but we know they will both show out, especially since Taker has had surgery and time to recover

SS: I love both of these guys for different reasons. At this point though, I don’t see a reason for this match. Undertaker gets to have another match, even though every year 95% of fans say it’s his last. I also despise that the Undertaker has a losing record. I was there when he lost to Brock. I wasnt even paying attention to the match because I thought it was guaranteed that Taker would win. I get losing to Brock, cool. Now last year he lost to Reigns.  Letting him go out losing to Reigns is what I would still want, even though I don’t care for Reigns, because its the veteran putting over the new guy and building him. I love it.

SID: I think this build has been garbage. This is such a dream match in a lot of ways. Its also Taker and Cena’s last big match with each other. They are the two biggest icons who haven’t faced off and now they are, except…maybe nah. I think if this match isn’t gonna happen then Cena just made taker look bad for no reason. Cena’s promos have been some of the worst of his career and he used the word “poopy” in a promo before. I still wanna see the match but even if it’s great and gonna happen, not having taker doesn’t make sense. Even a gong would work. I don’t expect a great match but I do think both have it in them. It’s odd that if it happens, they didn’t just say it was. If For no other reason, to push the network. People would get the network to see those two fight. Now we have two part timers potentially battling it out. I’m whatever. The promos by Cena don’t make me want to see this match. So, I hope Taker wins, by default. Its Mania.

SID: Agreed. Taker will look awful if after all Cena has said about him being broken down, he loses.

CD: So do we think this match actually happens, or is a “confrontation” or something else?

SID: Either way, at this point, i think it’ll feel lazy and rushed

SS: I don’t know what else they could do at Mania and not look like bitches.

CP: I’m good with a confrontation, give it a long build. It’s worth that. Crazy entrance, big pop, give it a year to simmer.

SID: Do we even want it in a year? Like they shoulda just waited.

SS: If they wanna go crazy, I say a confrontation of some sort and two young guys from NXT come out and challenge them. Let the NXT guys shine with two legends.

CD: Can Cena and Taker beat the crap out of TM61?

SID:Sorry, I feel asleep hearing their name.

SS: I would actually like it to be the Revival. They need to be built back up.

CD: Okay, let’s keep it moving because there are 8000 matches this year. Alexa Bliss versus Nia Jaxx for the Raw Women’s title. Let’s do ladies first on this one. Sidney, what are your thoughts?

SID: So happy they went this way. I want Nia to win because she’s earned this moment to shine. She’s earned this title and I hope she gets a great run. I also hope Alexa, who I think is a top 3 performer In the company, looks strong in defeat.

SS: I love the craftiness of Alexa. I don’t think Jax is quite ready for a title run yet. She’s good, but she can be much better…and I think her chasing Alexa for several months, with Alexa avoiding her at all costs after Mania. I see Alexa winning but some sort of cheating…..maybe an Eddie Guerrero finish.

CP: Not a big fan of this one. I love Alexa and I think Nia has a lot going for her, but I’m not sure this route is optimal. Kind of sucks seeing the build where Mickie James who kind of got some not so kind words thrown at her during her previous tenure…just sucks seeing her do the same to Nia. I’m not sure what Nia does for the title right now, seems like the story dead ends for Nia right now. Only logical turn for a Nia win would be Mickie turning and costing Alexa the match because her and Nia played her the whole time.

CD: So who do we all pick?

SS: I got Alexa.

CP: Alexa.

SID: Nia.

CD: I’m going with Nia too. Heading over to Smackdown, what about this long running storyline with Daniel Bryan, Shane McMahon, Sami Zahn and Kevin Owens coming to a head finally?

SS: I am excited for this match. Daniel Bryan is  everyone’s favorite story, came up from the indies and made it when he wasn’t supposed to. Only because of the fans love….then he lost it all due to injury. Now he is back, against two amazing in ring performers. I want Bryan to win again in the same arena that Wrestlemania 30 was at, but I don’t think Kevin and Sami are going to be fired either. I pick Kevin and Sami to win. But its going to be one hell of a match!

CP: I don’t think the angle cleaned up as nice as they would have liked, but it’s a solid matchup and if they cleverly re-tell the story a bit in the preshows and stuff it can get over better. I’m really not sure who wins, I could see it go either way. I think DB is going to be beyond fired up and Shane is gonna Shane, Sami and Kevin pop up on Raw maybe.

SID: I love this because I am gonna SOBBBB when Bryan comes out. Obviously he has to win. I think with the Shakeup coming, they go back to Raw. I hope Shane stays out for the most part and let Bryan feel his oats in that ring. I don’t think this story has been great and been illogical mostly, but with Bryan…either way it can end perfectly….cause Bryan is back.

CD: I am hoping Sami and Kevin lose and come back under masks as El Genericos.

SID: LMAOO! YASSS!

CD: I’m predicting Kevin and Sami pin Shane via nefarious ways.

SID: Or Shane turns and aligns with them.

CD: Don’t put that evil  out into the universe Sidney!

SID: But doesn’t that put Bryan vs authority again? Anyways sorry. Ugh hope that doesn’t happen.

SS: I like the idea

CD: Winners?

SID: Bryan and Shane.

CP: DB/Shane.

CD: Okay, so let’s move on to the other tag team match involving McMahons, Stephanie McMahon and Triple H taking on MMA star Ronda Rousey and your Olympic hero Kurt Angle. It’s true. It’s damn true.

CP: I really don’t get this build either, just seems like such a weird way to push Ronda to the worldwide audience. I’m curious to see her ring work, she’s still pretty green to this format when it comes to speaking, so I’m curious how she evolves. Excited to see Kurt and HHH, not going to lie. Been a while since Steph too, I think it will produce, just a weird way to get here.

SS: I follow Stephanie and Triple H on Instagram…they train like beasts every day. Rhonda has been at the Performance Center training as well. I don’t expect a lot from Stephanie or Rhonda, Triple H and Angle will do the most work.  I do believe that Rhonda will have Stephanie tap out or hell even make Trips tap out as well after the bell.

CD: Let’s get to the important thing here. Sidney, what the hell was that eye makeup they did on Ronda two weeks ago?

SID: If this doesn’t end with Rousey winning, why on earth do we have to endure these promos or that eye makeup?

CD: No chance of her turning heel? I feels like she is a natural heel.

SID: I wanna see what Kurt does in the ring. His mic skills have regressed but I think he can turn it in the ring especially with someone he’s so familiar with. I could see her being heel but I think WWE wants her to be like Austin to Steph’s Vince.

SS: I for once agree with Sidney.

CD: That must have been very hard on your Stephie. We are here for you.

SS:Thank you. I may need a shoulder to lean on for support through this totally random moment

CD: Or…..you could just beat up Sidney

SID: Just drink something you’ll all be fine

SS: He could always Kiss My Sass!

CD: Let’s talk about Charlotte Flair and Asuka for a bit.

SID: Asuka

SS: Asuka

CP: Asuka

SID: If WWE let’s Carmella win….

CD: Oh crap I forgot that.

SID: Hope Vince’s limo blows up again if Carmella successfully cashes in. I wish WWE had the balls to let this main event.

SS: Its going to be a great match. Two extremely talented women.

SID: It’s gonna be stellar.

CD: Have you wrestled Asuka Steph?

SS: I have not….I wish! I know many girls that have and she’s intense!

CD: I think Asuka is seriously my favorite act in all of wrestling now.

CD: So we’re at the two title matches. AJ Styles versus Shinsuke Nakamura should be an amazing headliner for Wrestle Kingdom…..oh wait!

SID: So this match has the ability to be match of the night and match of the year. We have all waited for this. In a perfect world the match is the main event. I wish the build was way way way better cause it could have but WWE is sometimes has been afraid of having two faces be in a feud. It’s like they forgot to do the build until last week. But since many is for the die hard fans, the crowd will add to the match

CP: I am extremely excited. I didn’t think we’d get this for a while, and it’s on a major stage. PLEASE GIVE ME A LIVE VIOLIN ENTRANCE! Shinsuke hasn’t had any big feel matches since the main riser debut, at least nothing jumps out at me. I think it’s time to remind people he is more than just a unique character. This is a legit dream match.

SS: Hands down this will be match of the night. These two are going to tear down the whole house. Two of the best wrestlers and sports entertainers in the world. I love AJ, but this is Shinsuke’s match to win.

CD: Does Daniel Bryan returning make them considering keeping the title on AJ to set up a possible dream match between them at SummerSlam?

CP: As cliche as it sounds, the fans are the winners. I can’t call it.

SS: Shinsuke has to win this. Styles can survive a loss. Shinsuke has been booked so poorly, he needs this so badly. Plus Styles va Shinsuke vs Bryan is a better Summerslam main event

CD: So the winner?

SS: Shinsuke.

CP: The fans.

CD: So that brings us to Brock Lesnar versus…**pauses for boos** …Roman Reigns.

SS: The match they had at Mania a couple years ago was good. Then Seth cashed in. I think the match will be solid. I want to see Brock retain, but I HATE that he isn’t around RAW on a regular basis.

CD: I know Sidney hates that too but I honestly love it. I think it makes it feel much more important when he is around. I just wish they used his dates more smartly.

CP: I hope they just beat the hell out of each other. I’m tired of the posturing and all the talking, just beat each other up, it’s payoff time. I also have zero interest in Brock chasing a title

CD: Let me ask you this, how many suplexes does Roman take?

CP:All of them.

SS: Haha. I say 14!

CD: My answer would be….not enough.

SID: This should be Braun vs Brock. Roman isn’t interesting chasing this belt. That said, I’ll be rooting loudly for him. The bloom has been off the Rose with Lesnar for years now. He’s in garbage shape and doesn’t care to be here. They introduced a major (hideous) championship. And it means nothing cause we never see it. I hope Reigns wins and Lesnar leaves for a while.

CD: Okay lightning round, quick answers. Who is Strowman’s partner?

SID: Elias.

SS: No clue. This has thrown me for a loop. I think he gives up the chance at the titles just to beat them both up.

SID: And if it’s Hogan they deserve all negative press they get.

CP: Mysterio.

CD: I am going to say James Ellesworth. Who wins the Men’s Battle Royale?

CP: Hardy

SID: Hardy I hope.

SS: I’d love it to be Hardy as well.

SID: Is Elias in the battle royal?

SS: Or Elias. Cause I would walk with Elias.

CD: I am going to say Big Cass comes back and wins. Who wins the women’s battle royal?

SID: Hopefully a returning Paige but realistically Harvey Whippleman.

CP: I’d like Nattie to win.

SS: I’m going off the wall….and saying Ember Moon.

SID: Do you think she loses at takeover?

SS: Absolutely.

SID: Ok then I’m cool with an NXT callup. So long as Nattie is top 2.

CD: I’m ride or die with Nattie.

CP: Ember wins and I riot.

SS: Why Panda why?

SID: Some people just don’t like Ember. I don’t get it but it’s true.

CP: I see zero draw in Ember.

SS: I’ve been in the ring many times with Ember. Hands down one of the best in ring wrestlers in the world.

SID: I think she should speak/ less cause she was effective that way. I agree with Steph that in ring she’s stellar. The ring work was all that was needed.

CP: I’m sure she’s wonderful. Just zero draw for me.

SS: As a person, yes she is wonderful too. I think her coming up, you would get more from her. Especially with a lot for the veterans.

CD: I just don’t get what the character is supposed to be.

SID: I mean there are only two big draws on the main roster, so what’s the issue with her not being a draw?

SS: She’s mythical.

CD: Okay new Cruiserweight champ?

SD: That’s hard. I think Cedric but Ali has earned it.

CP: Cedric.

SS: I like them both, but I adore Cedric.

CD: Who wins the Smackdown tag match?

SID: New Day

SS: We have seen USOs and New Day how many times? Mix it up. Lets go with the Bludgeon Brothers.

CD: US title?

CP: Rusev

SID: Roode

SS: Ooooh, Tough. I love Roode and Rusev. But Ill say its going to be Rusev day!

CD: Happy Rusev Day to everyone! Intercontinental title match?

CP: Finn

SID: Finn

SS: BALOR! Although, lets be honest, he never got a chance to get back his Universal Title, which he never lost.

CD: I’m going with Crossfit Jesus.

SID: Ugh. Another reason I’ll be glad to see Brock go

CD: Anything else we need to touch on? Any predictions for surprise appearances?

SID: I think Hogan shows up

CD: Stop that Sidney!

SID: Try to say Superdome correctly this time!

CD: Well kids, we have just about reached the end of the road here. Any parting shots?

SS: There are some matches I wish would have had more build up. But overall this Mania looks to be one of the best!

CP: I’m just excited to see the show, it’s always such a truly amazing spectacle. I can’t wait.

SS: There are always surprises and fun moments. Thats why we all watch!

CD: Thank all for doing this. I’m excited for Sunday as well. It really should be a national holiday and next year its in my back yard! I might need to start planning my Charlotte Flair drag look.

SS: I am already planning on going. I got engaged at 29!

CD: You look way younger than 29.

SS: Awwww shucks.

CD: So we’re doing a run in for the tag title match next year then Steph? Panda, you want to be our sexy valet?

SS: YES! YES! YES!

CD: And on that note, good night and good luck everyone!

SS: May the odds forever be in your favor. Just don’t ever tell me the odds! 

CD:Way to combine two franchises.

 SS: Thank you, thank you.

CD: Okay, that’s a wrap kids! Happy Rusev Day and enjoy Wrestlemania!

About Chiffon Dior 502 Articles
Despite being a drag journalist for over five years, Chiffon only recently realized that she missed a golden opportunity back then to change her drag name to Rhoda Story.

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