Travel back in time with me if you will to the spring of 2012. A younger, albeit still not terribly young Chiffon Dior was just cutting her teeth as an interviewer and little did she know but she was about to meet her match in the form of the one and only Deven Green. I had only done a handful of interviews up until this point and most of them had been a polite give and take but Deven would have none of that. She took control of the interview from the word go, talked about whatever she wanted to, whenever she wanted to and when it was over, basically left me crying in a heap in the shower….much like most of my first dates. When the roller coaster stopped, what I had was a huge, disjointed stream of brilliance from her that took me a week to edit into something cogent I could post. In spite of the challenges, it remains one of my favorite pieces I’ve ever done and although I didn’t realize it then, was the starting point for one of the most treasured friendships in my life. So without further adieu, I am very excited to present……WHEN CHIFFON MET DEVEN!
Chiffon Dior: Thank you so much Deven for agreeing to do this interview! Just so you know, I am not conducting this interview in the State of Michigan so you are free to use the word “vagina” as often or as little as you would like. Don’t feel limited. So that little disclaimer out of the way, how are you doing on this fine evening?
Deven Green: I am on a plane right now circumnavigating the globe, ejaculating my comedy on the faces of awaiting ressshhhepticals. It is how I start each and every day; you know how that is. It’s like turning a trick and I know you know how to do that, don’t you Chi-Di?
DG: How badly do you want a penis? Oh, wasn’t it my turn to ask a question?
CD: You mean aside from the one I have?
DG: Yes Cha-Chi a tertiary penis!
CD: Wouldn’t that be a secondary penis? Unless you’re counting the one I have in the drawer in my nightstand.
DG: I like to have a spare in case one ‘chaps.’
CD:I don’t know Dev…the maintenance on one alone is pretty steep. I think it begs the obvious question, how badly do YOU want a penis then?
DG: My objective here is done! Kudos, Deven. I got you to beg and offer me your fat hog.
CD: You know my hog is very sensitive about its weight issue. I wish you would refrain from making it feel even worse about itself than it already does.
DG: Well it’s like saying Canadian bacon is from a different pig, Choo Choo.
CD: So Canada eh? That is where this little story of yours begins, correct?
DG: Yes, in the boreal forests of the Canadian Shield. I was found in the hollow of a log and raised by a team of lumberjacks. That is why I smell like maple syrups, Iffy.
CD: Not a friendly caribou? That is a little disappointing.
DG: <tilting head> Caribou? Uh do you not see the hoof print I sport in all my photos?
CD: Well I was raised to be a polite little debutante so I didn’t really want to call attention to it.
DG: I am feral.
CD: Well who doesn’t love him? I mean he was great in Anchorman!
DG: Hi-Di you deserve a standing ovation for that one…well played slut!
CD: **Curtsies** I am STRUGGLING to keep up with you, but is it too early in our relationship to say I absolutely adore you?
DG: That made me moist.
CD: Like Duncan Hines moist?
DG: Well I do have a gooey centre and you do need to put icing on me to make me palatable. I’d hug you but I have pointy elbows.
CD: Well that happens when you have a negative percentage of body fat.
DG: My thermostat is set too high. Every word I type burns five calories.
CD: You didn’t take your Ritalin today did you?
DG: HAHAHA. I am the LAST person who needs drugs, alcohol or therapy. This is my natural state, though I looked like I have been ribbed for your pleasure!
(These next two sentences were said virtually simultaneously.)
CD: For the record, I WANT the hair you have in your Facebook profile pic.
DG: My hair is rad in my photo right? I love it!
CD: **silently shocked at the coincidental randomness**
(Potty mouth alert.)
DG: OMFG! No fucking way? Holy shit! Sister…….
DG: I’m shaking in my perfectly coiffed hair right now. My hair and makeup in this photo were done by David Marvel…my cheekbones contour themselves.
(At this point, I look in the mirror and sigh at my utterly unremarkable cheekbones.)
CD: Well I suppose its easier when you give an artist a flawless canvas to work on.
DG: I once asked him if I could look pretty. He said, ‘SAVE PRETTY FOR WAL-MART!’
CD: That is a fact.
DG: I will give you a fact, the Mannequin bird is the only fowl that has a solid bone in it’s body – CLUCK CLUCK.
(I refrain from making an easy solid bone joke.)
CD: I’ve never have had this problem but you are too striking for “pretty” bitch. Its rough but you have to deal with it.
DG: Hahaha Fon, I am indeed ‘handsome.’
CD: Very handsome, one of the prettiest boys I have ever seen!
DG: I grew up with one eyebrow, braces, brown eyes (my eye colour changed), three sets of front teeth.
(I can only assume the three sets of front teeth are from being forced to play hockey. I’m not positive but I think that is federally mandated in Canada.)
DG: I only mock fashion. I don’t mind if people think I am a boy or a drag queen. It is of the highest order of compliments to me.
CD: I think I am developing the drag queen equivalent of a “man-crush” on you.
DG: Let us go out on a date and see if it ends up on a bathroom stall of a toilet cubicle.
CD: All great dates invariably do, no?
DG: I was going to say I never know I am dating someone until I have a cock in my mouth, but thought that may be crass at this hour.
CD: Hmmm, well then I guess I have dated a lot more people than I thought.
DG: Oh I’ve just sucked a lot of cock! What was that sound, FF? You spitting your coffee at the computer monitor?
CD: No, that didn’t startle me. I think I am finally getting tuned in to your…unique perspective. It’s like I have ESPN or something. Changing subjects, can you talk a little about your shows? Are they mostly in Los Angeles?
DG: We perform all over the world quite honestly. I do a ton of private shows. I am out to the East coast then back the next morning. My music show is truly fun. I lounge out songs by AC/DC, Nirvana, Nelly etc., but I also play a fuck of a lot of songs from the 1920’s and 30’s and obviously 1980’s since I still live in the 1980’s. Just look at my calendar (See here) for more info. I want to make sure if any of your readers would like to hop on the Di-De train they know where to go for forty glorious minutes of inscrutable words. If you laugh at my comedy then we would probably be friends in real life. If you make it out to Los Angeles, you should come to my sweet, fun, electric ukulele lounge show.
CD: So you’ll lift the restraining order?
DG: Oh no! You will be fifty meters back from the stage honey!
CD: You are both fair and just.
DG: I appreciate you asking me to do this and giving me latitude. It is humbling to me.
CD: The pleasure is ALL mine. I was fairly intimidated talking to you but you’re like a real person…sort of.
DG: I’m barely human. We’re peers – and I am on your side.
CD: Well sure, the lady boys have always been on the same side as the queens and the gays.
DG: AND CHIFFON FOR THE WIN!
(We rejoin our faithful heroes a few days and for me, a couple of bottles of vodka later.)
DG: So what did you have in mind for the interview to finish it up my dear? How can I service you LOL?
CD: I would actually like to get some real questions in because I think you’re quite fascinating.
DG: Good luck with that – you can try.
CD: I know…I might as well try and teach a wolverine to eat with chopsticks.
DG: Moo Goo Gai Pan?
CD: Um….hello? EVERYONE knows wolverines prefer General Tso’s Chicken. Sheesh!
DG: Zoinks! Okay home star runner, hit me!
CD: How did Betty Bowers come about?
DG: A lady doesn’t like to pull the drapes back too much – check out her website!
CD: So the drapes don’t match the curtains then huh?
DG: Betty is deep chestnut through and through!
CD: Why haven’t the Republicans nominated her as their Presidential candidate yet?
DG: What a great question Chiffon! You should ask Betty Bowers on her Facebook page!
CD: You are such a brat. You’re killing me here!
DG: Why thank you precious bunny button.
CD: How many times a week does someone tell you to “eat a sandwich”?
DG: Hourly? Then I eat my sandwich and their sandwich in front of them! WATCH THIN WOMEN EAT! I am built like a whippet and not that spray paint the kids are huffing!
CD: I thought the kids had already moved on to bath salts…hence the forthcoming zombie apocalypse?
DG: Eating face has too many calories – unwanted calories.
CD: You know, now that you mention it, WATCH THIN WOMEN EAT would be the most promising new show on the NBC fall slate!
DG: When it is on hiatus – no one eats, a honey wagon moratorium. Is your honey wagon stocked full of num nums? Is your pantry brimming with roast beef? Trim the beef! Round the shoulder! Hock the shank! Mount the hoof!
CD: Things a butcher says?? We are so ready for $25,000 Pyramid if it ever comes back!
(From here there conversation veers into….I’m not even sure how to explain it. We’ll resume when things have returned to normal….well, normalish.)
DG: Why stifle someone’s true nature pet? It is unfair to have me play in the sandbox with the rest of the children!
CD: Well of course. That is what the sex offender database is all about.
DG: That kid was wielding their popsicle stick in a threatening manner.
CD: Is that what you call it?
DG: Two of the kids were wearing hoodies. I consider that a gang!
CD: Well fortunately you were able to bang them into submission Mrs. Robinson!
DG: Just my mouth, just my mouth…NO HANDS! Just to clarify.
CD: Right…because otherwise it would be weird.
DG: Fon-O – was there a question or did we veer off into fuckwad territory?
CD: I’m pretty sure this entire conversation has resided there.
DG: You are so very dark – here is an ink blot, what do you see? What do you see? A seagull NO! Wrong! It is just an ink blot. And there in lies the problem! I am here to help Chiffon.
CD: Its a little late for that I’m thinking.
DG: Oh oh oh my! Well there is a little shock machine which will boost your confidence and give you that ‘just had a thought’ glow!
CD: I’m too busy thinking about how I am going to get reprimanded by the boss if I can’t string something coherent together out of this. You know I feed my five adopted Tibetan refugee children with my salary from this…assuming I don’t get fired for not making this work.
DG: God Chiffon, try living with me! I talk like this all the time. This is how I am! Even sluts need love baby!
CD: Whoa…slow down. I want to interview you, not live with you. God, women are so fast these days!
DG: HAHAHA! GIRLS GONE DUMB-ESTIC! Oh hell, I just made a funny!
CD: Well, we live in a world where having a big ass and a sex tape can make you famous and where having actual talent relegates you to being interviewed by the likes of me.
DG: This is a huge compliment, are you kidding me? I am rich. I chose to have fun with you! Talent does not equate money obviously. I love being here with you and you considering me talented. I do huge interviews and have been on the cover of magazines – I like to do what I wish with equally talented folks! You have got a great future Sparky!
CD: I was hoping you might springboard off of that into talking about untalented bimbos getting ahead but at least you gave me SOMETHING to work with!
DG: Yes. I gave you compliments which you now must print about yourself! Next question.
CD: One question and you HAVE to answer it: Aliens are coming and we need to send THE most amazing cheekbones in the world to save humanity, whose go: Yours or Michelle Visage’s?
DG: One of each! I love my girl Michelle!
CD: Thank you so much for your time Deven. I’m not sure what we have here but it sure is something interesting! If you ever want to do THE definitive Deven Green interview, as tired and retro pastiche as it may be…I would still love to be the one to do it!
DG: Thank you! I shall come to you first when I have worked with a linguist!
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