Thanks to my friends over at Blabberazzi.com, we’re able to present a compilation of my recaps from this past season of RuPaul’s Drag Race, now with even more seizure-inducing animated GIFs! Party! (If you missed Part I, click here)
Episode Five: Snatch Game
Well hello there my little chickadees! Welcome to another edition of TALKING DRAG RACE with Chiffon Dior. I hope you’re all ready for a new
Bianca Del Rio‘s “RuPaul’s Drag Race,” because this was a big one: the Snatch Game.
For the uninitiated, the Snatch Game features our fabulous heroines doing their best impersonations of a celebrity of their choice in a game show format that pays homage (reads: “blatantly rips off”) the old game show “Match Game.” So there was no mini-challenge, just boy Ru announcing the Snatch Game and everyone running around in preparations as Ru talked with each queen about which character they planned to bring to life.
Okay, time out here. I need to rant. It drives me CRAZY when the bitches on this show don’t know who they’re going to be for Snatch Game. It’s a regular part of the show so they know the challenge is coming, and yet some of them still don’t have it ready. I have about as much chance as Seth Rogen of being on “Drag Race” but even I know what I’d do for Snatch Game. And they wonder why I drink. (Okay, there are many reasons, but this is one.)
Where was I? Oh, right — everyone working like busy bedazzled bees. Meanwhile, Bianca continued to be driven mad by the other girls. This week it was apparently Laganja‘s turn to aggravate, and if Bianca had rolled her eyes any harder, she’d have seen the back of her own wig.
That said, when Bianca found out the character she was doing, Judge Judy, is RuPaul’s favorite, she showed some uncharacteristic nerves. Meanwhile, noted scholar Gia Gunn decided to do Selena (the real Selena, not Justin Bieber‘s beard Selena Gomez), but had a change of heart and switched to fellow brainiac Kim Kardashian.
As for the rest of the ladies …
Here’s who they channeled:
- Adore: Anna Nicole Smith
- Ben: Maggie Smith (Downton Abbey)
- Milk: Julia Child
- Laganja: Rachael Zoe
- Courtney: Fran Drescher
- Darienne: Paula Deen
- Joslyn: Teresa Giudice (Real Horrible People of New Jersey)
- Trinity: Nicki Minaj
With two celebrity guest judges playing along (cougar role model Heather McDonald from “Chelsea Lately” and the fabulous Gillian Jacobs from “Community”), the Snatch Game was off and running.
No big surprise — Bianca’s Judge Judy was a force of nature, and Ben’s Maggie Smith was dazzling.
What was not so expected was Adore’s fabulously boozy, pilled-out version of Anna Nicole Smith (as if there is any other way to play her). Darienne and Joslyn also put in strong performances, but Courtney Act’s Fran Drescher was a solid meh.
In other disappointments, Milk portrayed Julia Child like someone who had never seen Dan Aykroyd’s spot-on parody, Trinity’s Nicki Minaj didn’t even reach meh levels, Gia Gunn’s Kim Kardashian was tragic, and Laganja’s robotic Rachel Zoe was … well, Michelle Visage said it best:
“To me, her Rachel Zoe was more William Shatner than Rachel Zoe.”
Ben’s fabulous portrayal of Maggie Smith earned her a well-deserved second win of the season (and hopefully a citrus flavored libation as well).
Next up was the runway challenge, wherein all the girls had to serve up their fiercest RuPaul-inspired look. Ru was joined as always by Santino Rice and a blonde-this-week Michelle Visage (she must be Michelle’s good twin), plus aforementioned guest judges Heather McDonald and Gillian Jacobs — and superfan Gillian turned out to be one of the most knowledgeable judges since my Twitter buddy Kristen Johnston was last on.
(Apologies. I truly hope no one was hurt in that shameless and gratuitous name drop.)
The runway was a blur of huge manes of blonde hair, sequins, feathers and one impressive look after another. Well, most of them. Again, we need to talk about Milk, who this week went as an out-of-drag “work room RuPaul.”
To recap Milk’s runway season thus far, she’s worn a beard, a Pinocchio nose and a baby bump. Now she shows up on the runway as … the Six Flags guy?
Somehow, despite not dressing in drag for the runway, Milk manages to survive yet another week, which annoys Gia to no end (that alone makes me approve of Ru’s decision) — compounded by Gia herself ending up in the bottom two along with her pal Laganja.
As they “lip sync for their lives” to the tune of “Head To Toe” by Lisa Lisa and Cult Jam, Laganja drops and flops all over the stage while Gia unzips her dress to do a costume change but takes way too long — prompting our hero Bianca to take what may be one final shot at her.
“Rule number one. You gonna do a reveal, get out of the dress! We all know ‘reveal’ in French means take the shit off!”
Ru decides that Laganja will stay and that finally, mercifully, Gia Gunn will sashay away.
Which brings us to the end of yet another action-packed episode of “RuPaul’s Drag Race.” Until next week, when I’ll be back with another recap, I leave you with the wise words of Joslyn Fox …
Episode Six: Oh No She Betta Don’t
Hello hello hello kittens! I am SUPER excited to be covering tonight’s rap themed episode of “RuPaul’s Drag Race,” because who knows more about rap than a pudgy white drag queen from the ‘burbs? (Based on tonight’s episode, virtually everyone on the show this season it seems.) Let’s get this hot mess over with, shall we?
This week picked up right as our fearless flock of queens returned to the work room, where Trinity Bonet bravely revealed she is HIV positive and all the girls rallied around her, showing nothing but sincere support. Thus endeth the sole feel-good moment of the show.
Boy Ru then entered the fray and — with the announcement that “the library is open!” — launched the Reading Challenge, a yearly event where the queens get up one by one and “read” the others. Translation: Say the most clever and often meanest thing you can about the other contestants (although with some of the girls this season, having them try to actually read something might be more entertaining).
And with that, the gloves were off and the claws were out — but somewhat disappointingly, Bianca Del Rio didn’t even make anyone cry (she must be getting soft). The insults were about what you’d expect: she’s dumb, she’s old, she’s fat … oh, and then they went after Trinity’s teeth.
Darienne Lake won the challenge, largely on the strength of her read of Adore Delano, it seemed.
“I. Am. Going. To. Say. This. Slowly. So. You. Understand. Yoooou’re dumb!”
For her efforts, Darienne got to pick her team for the main challenge, a ’90s rap battle royale. She chose Laganja, Bianca, Adore and Courtney, leaving Joslyn, Ben, Trinity and Milk to feel like me in gym class many moons ago. Ben was particularly bothered by not being picked, but when she confronted Darienne about it, she got a big “have a nice big glass of mind your own eff’n business” for her troubles.
The ladies then performed their rap, “Oh No She Betta Don’t,” in front of the guest judges, rap stars Trina and Eve. Bianca came out and crushed with a very comedic rhyme, which the judges called “wide and sassy.” Her response is why we all love her more than our luggage.
“Wide and sassy, that was my name in prison.”
After a slow start, Adore also did very well. Or in her own words …
As for the others, Laganja and Courtney were fine, but Darienne struggled a bit — proving herself to be the whitest woman on Earth, even whiter than me. Bianca had a theory.
That is, until Ben Dela Creme performed. If Ben had been any whiter, she’d have been translucent. Early 1900’s old British women are totally in her wheelhouse. Early 90’s rap? Not so much. Milk and Trinity struggled a bit as well, but the very much under-the-radar-this-season Joslyn Fox served up some SERIOUS hood rat realness.
After a foray into the rap world that would have made Suge Knight, I don’t know, probably shoot someone, the ladies were off to compete on the runway, where Bianca dazzled with some extra glam for a change …
… while both Joslyn and Courtney decided that literally showing their asses was the way to go. And what bit of zaniness did Milk bring to the runway this week? A tail, perhaps a shark fin? Maybe some giant webbed feet or even a huge furry hat like the guards at Buckingham Palace?
Tragically, I am sad to report the answer was none of the above — just an ill-fitting dress with a big bow on her head. There’s precious little worse than dairy past its expiration date.
Adore was named the week’s winner, while Courtney was advised not to be a cliche (which either meant “don’t rely on your body so much” or don’t be this). Darienne, Trinity and Milk were the bottom three, but Ru spared Darienne, leaving Trinity and Milk to lip sync for their lives to “Whatta Man” by Salt-n-Pepa featuring En Vogue — after which Ru declared Trinity the winner and gently commanded Milk to sashay away.
Until next week when we have a double dose of “Drag Race,” ta ta for now kittens!
Episodes 7 & 8: RuPersize Me
Okay, seriously RuPaul, was a double episode REALLY necessary? I mean maybe, just maybe I had something super fun and exciting to do on Monday night? Maybe I got a booty call and didn’t have time to commit to two full episodes so I could make myself presentable. (Shut up, it could happen.)
Well, this thing isn’t going to write itself — so let’s do it, kittens.
Our story began in the workroom, with the gals returning following last week’s elimination of Milk. We see Darienne Lake is still none too happy with Ben Dela Creme. Boy RuPaul then came in to announce the mini-challenge which consists of — I wish I was kidding — glittering and rhinestoning up fake nails and then using them to hand model various phallic fruits, nuts and vegetables.
I would like this see this challenge added to all future Senate campaigns.
Thanks to her work with a sweet potato, Laganja Estranja proved to be the best phallic fruit and veggie hand model of the bunch (there’s a skill for the resume).
Ru then announced the main challenge of the evening: Teams of two creating 30-second commercials to promote Ru’s new Glamazon line of makeup by Color Evolution (cough **shamelessselfpromotion** cough). In what can only be a pure coincidence, rivals Bianca and Trinity as well as Darienne and Ben are paired up for the challenge, with Adore/Laganja and Courtney/Joslyn rounding out the teams. Joslyn, a bit starstruck to be working with one of her idols, then proceeded to fangirl all over her. I hope somebody got her some tissues.
Each pairing was assigned a theme for their commercial, with Adore/Laganja getting “mean girls,” Darienne/Ben being dubbed “cougars,” Bianca/Trinity named the “working girls,” and Courtney/Joslyn christened “hot mamas.”
Ru discussed plans with all the teams, and then later read poor Trinity for FILTH about her nonchalance! I’m not positive but Bianca may or may not have threatened to shank her if she screwed up their pairing, because Trinity proclaimed:
“I decided I would just channel my inner Bianca and just blurt it all out and have fun with it, cause if not … Bianca’s gonna kill me.”
That said, here’s the thing, and it is a MAJOR SPOILER for this season of “Drag Race”: Turns out queen of mean Bianca Del Rio — aka Don Rickles in a dress — is secretly, shockingly … nice. I know. I’m as surprised as you are, but when Trinity kicked some serious ass in the challenge, no one was prouder of and happier for Trinity than Bianca herself.
Meanwhile, Adore and Laganja had no trouble channeling their inner mean girls, but while Courtney and Joslyn made gratuitous use of the Pit Crew, their commercial couldn’t get out of first gear. (Ha, that’s a car joke because this is “Drag Race.” I’m brilliant!)
As for Darienne and Ben, the judges felt their cougar-themed commercial didn’t come together at all and that it was more about bad plastic surgery than makeup.
After the ladies paraded around the runway in their best black and white-inspired ensembles (I like to imagine Milk would’ve rocked a live skunk for this), Ru announced Adore and Laganja had won the challenge.
At the other end of the spectrum, Ben and Darienne were in the bottom two, which meant they had to lip sync for their lives to “Point of No Return” by Expose’ — and both bitches BROUGHT it.
“Miss Darienne is turning it! ‘Cause You know good and goddamn well that Miss Darienne had this song on cassette when it came out.” – Bianca
Ru declared that Darienne would stay, leaving poor Ben on the verge of tears. But in her infinite wisdom and mercy, Ru decided that Ben was safe, too. (It was a little more dramatic when this happened with Phi Phi O’Hara and Sharon Needles in Season 4, but this little stunt enables producers to stretch the show out for another week if nothing else.)
Speaking of milking it, let’s do ANOTHER episode and maybe, just maybe, one of these bitches will go home.
The second episode of the week started with a mini-challenge that made the previous phallic veggie hand model thing seem dignified: The ladies had to perform on their backs and upside down. Which may not seem like much a challenge for these broads, but wait — there’s more.
They not only had to perform on their backs and upside down, they had to do it with stuff on their chins. And while you might think they’d be used to that too, the “stuff” was just googly eyes, makeup and bad weaves, perv.
Joslyn Fox proved to have the strongest chin — and as a reward, Ru announced that she could pick the lineup for the main challenge, in which each girl had to perform a standup routine.
Can we just give Bianca Del Rio the win now so I can get to bed at a decent hour or do we have to go through the motions? Oh, we do? Crap. As Bianca herself put it:
“Hurricane Bianca’s in town. Nobody’s safe.”
Ru then added a twist by informing the girls that mixed into the audience would be a flock of old people. So to me, that screamed “break out the Metamucil, prune juice and ear hair jokes!” Because I’m classy like that.
Anyway, Joslyn set the lineup for the show thusly:
Free advice, Jos: Next time you’re doing a comedy challenge and get to set the order, put yourself as FAR AWAY from Bianca as possible. You’re welcome.
But Bianca wasn’t the only comedy star, because the opener, Darienne, absolutely killed.
Courtney did a mildly funny song because, hey, who needs comedy when you’re pretty, right? Adore then proceeded to drop more F-bombs than Michelle Bachmann catching her husband in her panties again. And it turns out all those swears didn’t go over well with the Geritol crowd.
Also falling flat? Laganja’s routine about smoking pot. Lots and lots and lots of pot. And Ben’s routine about … hell, I don’t know what Ben was trying for, but she got heckled by a raspy voiced man (possibly Michelle Visage) commanding her to “tell a joke!” Discretion being the better part of valor, she quickly hightailed it off the stage.
Now for the shocker. Trinity K. Bonet was GREAT. Her material about growing up dirt poor had the audience laughing in their Depends! Who the hell saw that coming?
Next up was Joslyn Fox, who got off to a good start with some ADHD humor — but it all fell apart from there. Or, as Michelle Visage told her:
“You’re like a comedy terrorist. You can fly the plane but you can’t land it.”
Finally, the main event arrived. Bianca did not disappoint, leaving the audience and the judges, including comedy legend Bruce Villanch, in stitches from the word go. And to the surprise of no one, she won the challenge.
In reality, there could have been five or six girls lip syncing for the lives after these performances, but it came down to Laganja and Joslyn, who gave it their all to the dulcet tunes of “Stupid Girls” by Pink — including a SPECTACULAR unplanned simultaneous double-leaping split.
Sadly, Laganja was forced to sashay away, leaving only seven girls remaining.
And now … it’s been a long night so I’m going to bid you all adieu and settle down with a nice glass of warm milk and by “warm milk” I mean “a fifth of vodka.”
Ta ta for now kittens! See you next week! *MUAHZ*
Check out Part III here!