Chiffon and Poppy Make Everything Better: Logo TV 1

CHIFFON AND POPPY MAKE EVERYTHING BETTER: LOGO TV

Chiffon Dior: So Poppy, aside from Drag Race, what is your favorite show on Logo….reruns of The Golden Girls, reruns of Will and Grace, reruns of Roseanne or reruns of Absolutely Fabulous?
Poppy Fields: You know, they just need to add “Designing Women” and they’d have the gay-sitcom-rerun quintuple crown.
CD: Obviously you didn’t see the endless Julia Sugarbaker commercials during Drag Race this season. That is coming soon. Along with reruns of 30 Rock for some reason.

PF: Ah…and there you have it. The channel has basically turned into gay Nick at Night. And when did “30 Rock” become queer?

CD: When Alec Baldwin dropped an anti-gay slur at the paparazzi for the 7th or 8th time?
PF: Where’s a rimshot when you need one? But you know I would pick “Golden Girls.” You’ve called me a much, MUCH younger Blanche Devereaux many, many times.

CD: I’ll leave you to your prescription drug-fueled Blanche delusions my dear but in all seriousness, is original programming too much to ask for?

PF: You know, you have a good point. It would seem that RuPaul’s Drag Race is the only fresh, new thing that Logo has going for it, right?

CD: Should we just move Drag Race over to Bravo and be done with it? Unlike Logo, they seem to know how to market the stars that they create over there.

PF: What was your opinion of “Drag U”? That tried to be a spinoff of RPDR, but it wasn’t nearly as successful. I liked it…just liked, mind you…but I think there’s room for some of those queens to have their own shows. Can you imagine a Bianca Del Rio talk show?

CD: On basic cable? No, no I can’t imagine that. They don’t have the budget for all the bleeps. But Drag U really was one of the oddest choices for a spinoff since “Joannie Loves Chachi”. If Bravo can create a show around Kim Zolciak that people actually watch for some reason, I think there are easily a dozen queens that have been on that could support their own show.

PF: They could bleep her! But I totally agree with you. A lot of the content that they do for online would actually work on television, I think. You know what I’m talking about? Those recaps that Pandora does, the fashion breakdowns with Raven and Raja, etc. And those are just a couple of small examples. Those things could be fleshed out. You’re basically cultivating on-screen personalities on Drag Race – the best ones, at least – and why not use them in their own vehicles? Unless Mama Roux doesn’t want the competition, of course.

CD: As I was perusing their site for this talk, I did notice that they seem to have a lot of special content for the site, while their network is just limping along. I have no idea why that could be. You would think Ru would get some form of Seacrest-ian executive producer credit if any of these bitches got their own shows. I’ve heard those Drag Race contracts are quite onerous, so I have to imagine she has some sort of provision like that.

PF: Well, of course. But didn’t Logo say recently that they weren’t necessarily “branding” themselves as a “gay” channel. I mean, I thought that was a bit ridiculous, but I do remember that.

CD: What the hell is their identity then?

PF: Well, that’s the question, isn’t it? It’s hard for me to understand that logic when their tent-pole show is about drag queens.

CD: I shudder to think what happens to the channel once Drag Race runs its course. They literally have nothing after that. At that point, it is just a matter of time until the suits at Viacom pull the plug on it and rebrand it as something completely different which would be sad. The time to act is now, not when it’s too late.

PF: I can think of a ton of programs right off the top of my head.

CD: It seems to me that budget is a serious issue. Or lack of budget more precisely.

PF: I would think that Ru would bring in at least some revenue to get some of these other shows going

CD: To me, there are two models that they should be looking at. One is the aforementioned Bravo. There is no reason why Logo shouldn’t have a blatant rip-off of What What Happens Live airing during the week. That is basically as cheap a show as there is to produce. The other model would be old school MTV, you know, back when they played music. They used to always have people live at various spring break locations, big concert festivals and more. Why doesn’t Logo have live coverage from the big pride events around the country during that?

PF: Or even occasionally at stops on the tours, you know, at the clubs across the country where the stars of Drag Race perform. How about “Chad Michaels – Live from Vegas!” Can you imagine?

CD: Absolutely! And why haven’t they produced a special about the Drag Stars at Sea cruises? People who haven’t been able to go would love to see that and I am pretty sure Al & Chuck travel would kick in a few bucks just to put out a pseudo-informercial/ TV special based on the cruises.

PF: Well that could be hysterical. And I know that she’s not a Drag Race star, but why don’t they reach out to someone like Miss Richfield 1981 to host things like that? Or Coco Peru? Some of these well-established, professional entertainers that have huge followings?

CD: Do we have any suggestions that haven’t involved drag? This might hurt our credibility with the network suits.

PF: WAIT! I remember now why “30 Rock” is gay! Cheyenne Jackson. ‘Nuff said.

CD: For the twelve whole episodes they had him on?

PF: Twelve of anything that is Cheyenne Jackson’s is enough to make it a gay show.

CD: And enough that Poppy needs a little time to herself.

PF: Moving right along…

CD: So who would be your ideal host for a talk show on Logo?

PF: Other than us?

CD: Yes. We’re trying to get actual viewers.

PF: Well, give me a parameter. Does it have to be someone other than a drag queen?

CD: Considering we’ve proposed everything else with drag queens, that might be a good idea. And they need to be willing to work for scale plus an almost fully punched Subway sandwich card.

PF: Well, let’s see…Courtney proved to be a great hostess in that challenge from last season; she would be a good choice. I think Pandora might be wonderful as well.

CD: So much for not a drag queen.

PF: Well…you asked. Johny McGovern from The Big Gay Sketch Show is doing some wonderful things online. He’s very talented and funny; a bit blue, but I’m sure he could reign that in. Of course, I think that great musical comedy team Mack and Poppy would be wonderful to host a variety show. Alec Mapa would be another great choice.

CD: A bit blue? Variety shows? What year is this? Tell me Poppy, what was it like hanging out with Frank, Dean and Sammy at the Stardust?

PF: Frank was quiet, Dean preferred gin, and Sammy was fantastic in the sack. Happy?

CD: And Jerry Lewis would tell you that you’re pretty funny for a broad?

PF: He never got further than the “Hey Laaaaaaaddddddy!”

CD: We’re really appealing the young demos with this piece. Maybe we should move on?

PF: You’re the one who brought up the Rat Pack. Moving on.

CD: What do you think is the biggest thing Logo can do to improve their channel?

PF: Diversify. They have to branch out with their programming, based on what has given them success – Drag Race – and go from there. That show claims to create the next drag superstars…well..they should help continue to cultivate that.

CD: What about the people who say that there is more to the LGBT community than drag queens?

PF: I would say that they should come up with ways to promote themselves in an entertaining matter. Logo could do comedy specials featuring gay comedians, other than drag queens. There are some wonderful ones. And we really don’t have enough gay reality shows. I mean…there was the “A-List” but I would prefer something that doesn’t paint the community as all shallow, judgmental caricatures. (Did I say that out loud?)

CD: Wait, I thought you said you wanted your own show?

PF: *Awkward pause*

CD: Crap. I thought that was my inner monologue. Um….moving on. What kind of reality show do you have in mind?

PF: Well, I’m not sure…but something that’s not just the gay version of “Keeping Up with the Kardashians.” Didn’t you have an idea for a “Drag Race” spinoff?

CD: More like an idea for a theme season. I call it “RuPaul’s Drag Race: Redemption”. The idea behind it is to do a season featuring queens that left the show far too soon. The idea came to me after seeing the amazing Kelly Mantle leave the show after one week. I felt ripped off as a viewer not seeing what she could have done. There were other queens over the years too, like Porkchop Parker, Honey Mahogany, Jade Jolie, Morgan McMichael….I felt like they all had more to show.

PF: That’s really interesting. And none of that team shit that got Pandora booted that year on All-Stars. Bless her heart.

CD; That poor girl needs double redemption for being the victim of two very questionable eliminations now!

PF: Speak the truth and shame the devil.

CD: I’m sorry. I don’t speak Southern Baptist.

PF: *Awkward pause* This really needs to be a video, because my expressions really convey everything I’m feeling. Hey…WE need a show on LOGO!

CD: I don’t know about that. I have a face that’s made for radio. I really think the key for Logo is to come up with fresh programming that won’t break the bank, because the lack of a budget seems to be the biggest issue here honestly.

PF: Well, yes. For some reason I just see us as those two guys on “The Muppet Show” who would sit up in the opera box.

CD: Statler and Waldorf? I always imagined myself as more of the Gonzo type.

​PF: ​As in gonzo porn?

​CD: ​I was going to go with gonzo journalism since this is a family show…er….site.

​PF: ​You named it “Not Safe 4 Werk”. I was being “not safe.”

​CD: ​I’m all about mildly clever puns as opposed to actual lack of safety.

​PF: ​Well, you got the “mildly” down pat. You know Chiffon, I could just go on with you for hours, but I’m sure our readers have Pride functions to attend.

​CD: ​You mean the ones who haven’t​ gouged their eyes out yet​ like that dude on Game of Thrones last week? I guess that means we’re getting the “wrap up it” sign from the director so in closing, did we actually come up with anything useful for Logo to use here or is this just (another) vanity project?

​PF: ​No. I think the bottom line is this: If you and I can come up with several ideas for original programming, I’m sure there are some talented folks at Logo who could do the same. That’s what the audiences want – original content, rather than round-the-clock reruns (but don’t take away “The Golden Girls”).

​CD: ​Truer words have never been spoken Poppy. I’d also like to add that if anyone from Logo is reading this, we’re available for for work on your network, plus we do weddings and Bar Mitvahs.

​PF: ​And the occasional grocery store opening.

​CD: ​But classy grocery stores only!

​PF: ​Yeah…no Piggly Wiggly.

​CD: ​I told you I don’t speak Southern Baptist. But anyway I guess we’re done here unless you want to do a big song and a dance encore? (Spoiler Alert: She ALWAYS wants to do a big song and dance encore!)

PF: ​Nah…I’m a little gassy.

​CD: ​And on that note, I’m Chiffon Dior signing off and reminding you to have your drag queens spayed and neutered!