Voiceover begins: “Good evening ladies and gentlemen and welcome to the 3rd Annual WERRRK.com Drag Awards! Please give a warm welcome to our co-hostesses for the evening, WERRRK.com’s own Kathie Lee and Hoda…..Chiffon Dior and Poppy Fields!”
*Poppy walks out looking as immaculately put together as ever while Chiffon looks like her recent stint in the Trump Re-Education Camp helped her to drop a few pounds. Finally.*
Chiffon Dior: Hello everybody and welcome the 3rd Annual WERRRK.com Drag Awards! Poppy, can you believe this is our third year together hosting?
Poppy Fields: I can absolutely believe it because I’m only contractually obligated to do one more of these. My nightmare is almost over.
CD: Look, its not my fault your lawyer didn’t go over the fine print when you signed the deal!
PF: ANYWAY! Legal unpleasantness aside, its my favorite time of the year Chiffon….the time when we honor the best of the year from the world of drag, entertainment, fashion and popular culture!
CD: That’s right Poppy! 2016 might have been a lousy year in a lot of ways but we still have a lot of amazing achievements to celebrate! Are you ready to give away some of our world famous pink trophies?
PF: Let’s do it! Now remember all awards have been voted on and decided by the readers of WERRRK.com. We are very excited to say that we got more votes this year than ever before!
CD: That being said, ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to the stage, our first presenter, being escorted out by WERRRK.com’s own Spencer Williams, the lovely and talented Strawberry Fields! Strawberry is here to announce the winner of the 2016 WERRRK.com Broadway Show of the Year Award!
- 2014 winner: Hedwig and the Angry Itch
- 2015 winner: Hamilton
PF: Congratulations to everyone at “Falsettos”! Chiffon, are you familiar with “Falsettos”?
CD: Sure! Like when someone asks you your age, your answer is a complete Falsetto right?
PF: I swear to….
CD: Don’t swear! This is a PG show Poppy! Besides, it time to welcome our next presenter to the stage who is going to announce the Designer of the Year Award!
PF: Coming to us all the way from Key West, its the fabulous Faith Michaels! Take it away Faith!
- 2014 Winner: Alexander McQueen
- 2015 Winner: Marco Marco
PF: Congratulations Dallas! When you have a moment between dressing virtually every girl on Drag Race….call me!
CD: Get in line bitch.
PF: I don’t think the B word is PG dear.
CD: *string of expletives deleted*
PF: Lovely. You kiss your Grindr hookup with that mouth?
CD: Usually they have to leave as soon as they get to my apartment. Its weird. Anyway, its time to head out to San Francisco for our next presenter!
CD: Pip pip! Jolly good show Ellis! God save the Queen!
PF: You’re not seriously doing this, are you?
CD: Don’t get your knickers in a bunch love!
PF: *Sighs* Congratulations Ellis! Let’s give out another award before Chiffon causes an international incident, shall we?
CD: That’s great idea eh? But first I want to stop at Tim Horton’s for a maple creme doughnut first ya hoser!
PF: No! Stop! Just stop Chiffon! We’re not making fun of a country that has that gorgeous a leader. Justin Trudeau, call me!
CD: No wonder you named your show this year, “Poppy Fields: In Heat“!
PF: Truth in advertising dear! Now let’s please welcome the beautiful and talented Deven Green to stage to reveal the winner of the first ever Queen of the Great White North Award! Take it away Deven!
PF: Congratulations Miss Conception! And thank you to all our super polite friends in Canada for their great response to this award!
CD: That’s right! Who knew snow boots and poutine could lead to such amazing drag?
PF: Well we’re moving now from the Great White North to the Windy City of Chicago for another brand new award this year, the Queen of Chicago!
CD: Ah yes! Such a great band! I love me some Peter Cetera.
PF: Umm….the city, not the band dear.
CD: Congratulations Trannika! This was a hotly contested category with all the nominees getting a lot of support! Looks like the Windy City loves them some drag!
PF: So from the Windy City, we’re going to head west to my hometown…
CD: Possum Trot, Alabama?
PF: My CURRENT hometown!
CD: OH! That must mean its time to crown the 2016 Queen of Los Angeles then!
PF: That’s right and our 2015 winner, LA’s dumbest queen Misty Violet, is here to announce the winner! Take it away Misty.
Misty Violet: Take it where?
CD: Just announce the winner dear.
- 2014 Winner: Melissa BeFierce
- 2015 Winner: Misty Violet
CD: The Russians hacked us again??
PF: Well, at least they gave us a lovely queen rather than an orange asshat this time. That was nice of them. But in all seriousness, congratulations Diana!
CD: Next up is an award near and dear to my heart because its my hometown!
PF: You live in the suburbs dear. Not the city.
CD: Shush! You’ll ruin what little rep I have left! So its time for the Queen of New York Award! Now last year we had only the second tie in the three year history of the WERRRK.com Drag Awards.
PF: That’s right! The first was when Beyonce and Cate Blanchett tied for Best Dressed in 2014 and then last year we got this duo, Marti Gould Cummings and Judy Darling who graciously shared the award!
CD: And now they are teaming up again to reveal the winner of the 2016 Queen of New York! Take it away ladies!
- 2014 Winner: Bob the Drag Queen
- 2015 Winners: Marti Gould Cummings and Judy Darling
PF: Congratulations Tina on a great year and a well deserved award!
CD: Hey Poppy, I don’t want to interrupt Tina’s moment but can we go to commercial? I really have to pee!
PF: I told you to stop sucking down all those waters!
CD: Umm…water. Sure, we’ll say that’s what they were!
PF: We’ll be back after this commercial break with the awards for Drag Photographer of the Year, Mr. Los Angeles, the Drag Moment of the Year, Drag Look of the Year, the Drag Horizon award winner, the Bio Queen of the Year and much more! Plus who will be crowned the 2o16 WERRRK.com Drag Queen of the Year? Find out shortly after this message from our sponsors!
PART TWO COMING SOON!