SPOILER WARNING: So if you have not seen “The Force Awakens” or “The Last Jedi” trailer this article isn’t for you cause guess what…we talk about both…a lot. Hell we even discuss “Revenge of the Sith.” So if you don’t wanna be ruined, please go watch every “Star Wars” movie ever.
Sidney Stokes: Hi WERRRKer’s. I’m sitting here with the remains of Chiffon Dior who finished the newly released Star Wars: The Last Jedi trailer and just “could not.”
Pulls out Quiji board
SS: So Blue Force Ghost Chiffon, what are you first thoughts?
Chiffon Dior: So when Supreme Commander Snoke is talking in the beginning…he’s talking about Rey, not Kylo isn’t he?
SS: Oh for sure. They aren’t giving us that much so easily.
CD: Are we getting a Kylo-Rey double turn?
SS: I don’t think we’ll get a double turn but I think we’ll get the redemption of Kylo Ren…which my question is….does the man that killed Han Solo deserve redemption? Can he earn it?
CD: I don’t see how…..especially with Carrie Fisher being dead. Leia is the only one who could forgive him.
SS: Right, I also don’t know if we need it. The choice he made in The Force Awakens was what sealed his fate as to him being a villain.
SS: Ugh the part where he is destroying everything and they keep cutting between him and Leia.
CD: It’s awful and painful. I get too many feels just from seeing Carrie as it is. I watched Rogue One again the other night and bawled at the end when CGI Carrie showed up. I will not be okay when she first appears in The Last Jedi.
SS: That might have been one of the most emotionally compelling trailers I’ve ever seen and also, one of the most beautiful.
CD: Also, did I mention you need to get me a Porg for Christmas?
SS: Several time and then pointed out you revised my contract and included two pages of consequences if I don’t.
CD: Just making sure that we’re clear.
SS: What else stood out to you
CD: Finn vs Phasma!
SS: Phasma did more in that trailer than in any part of The Force Awakens.
CD: Seriously. She did more in the trailer than Spencer has ever done in a staff meeting too.
SS: It’s a cool build up to a feud that makes total sense but I never thought about it coming.
CD: Finn and Phasma?
SS: Fhasma…which is their couple’s name, we’re supposed to be shipping them, right?
SS: I mean….I kinda think mine works better tbqh but you pay the bills around here.
CD: Wait….I’m supposed to PAY the bills??
CD: Also, the shot of Kylo walking with the troops behind him was awesome, a perfect bookend to Anakin walking into the Jedi temple with the unit of clonetroopers in Revenge of the Sith.
SS: *runs around inaudibly screaming*
CD: It was the first thing I thought of.
SS: What part of the trailer took you aback and made you want to pause and absorb it?
CD: Aside from the Porg?
SS: Yes. Aside from the Porg?
CD: The moment I realized Luke is making the same mistake with Rey that the Jedi council did with Anakin.
SS: Pushing him towards the darkness.
CD: Rejecting him, refusing to train him. That didn’t work out well for the galaxy.
SS: You rejected an article of mine once and I almost went to write for Breitbart, so I get it.
CD: I resent you calling me the Steve Bannon of drag journalism you know. I don’t exfoliate my skin with a meat tenderizer and a fifth of Jack like he does.
SS: What are you now excited for that you didn’t even know you’d be excited for.
CD: The Por…
SS: Not the Porg.
CD: FINE! I had no idea that I needed to see AT-ATs that walked like orangutans.
SS: I had no idea I wanted to get till the last month of 2017 any more than I already did. Well I think that’s about all the time we have toda….
*Spencer runs in the WERRRK seance room like Marty McFly at the end of Back the Future 2*
Spencer Williams: *Takes puff of Inhaler Oh my God…just…wow. *takes another puff of inhaler* That…trailer….was…so…dope. I can’t even believe it. Okay first of all, these new version of the AT-AT are scary as Hell. The First Order actually looks evil now and not like the Star Wars adjacent of a bunch of white supremacist with tiki torches. Finally, Captain Phasma is getting action screen time. I’ve only had to wait like three years. Lastly, I cried real man tears seeing Carrie. Not only does her outfit look sick as fuck, but she looks as beautiful as ever. All in all, if I could, I would, but I just can’t…
*Spencer leaves to chase after the In-N-Out truck*
*Poppy swishes in…..looking for the bar*
SS: Poppy, do you have thoughts on the Star Wars trailer?
Poppy Fields: Oh. Well, I’m just all Twitterpated. I mean, after I got over crying about seeing Leia, I still haven’t gotten over Carrie Fisher passing away, there was that ADORABLE little big-eyed plush toy on the dashboard of the Millennium Falcon that sent me into a tizzy, and then there’s Kylo Ren giving us strong “V” face (Do you remember the original “V” or was that before your time…wait… what am I saying…you’re a baby) … and then Luke being all shady as hell with “I’m scurrred of you, gurl!” I mean …yeah.
PF: And let me tell you, if that little shit Kryolan Rinse kills his mother AFTER ALREADY killing his daddy, then he’s going to be on my most hated list right after Littlefinger, which, that was the most satisfying throat slashing I’ve ever seen and I’ve seen a few…I played Atlantic City.
SS: Anything else you’d like to add while you’re here…and less than five drinks in?
PF: I may need a Xanax before seeing this one.
SS: Is this one of those times I need to pick up on the “damn context clues” and you’re saying you want me to give you a Xanax now?
PF: No hon, I’m already three Martinis in…I mean before we see The Lost Jodie Foster…The Left Jerry Fallwell…
SS: It’s the Las-
PF: The next Star wars Movie…that one. I’m going to lay down now.
*takes bottle and swishes out of seance room*
Ok, well thanks people not invited.
Chiffon, what would you say, for you, “The Last Jedi” trailer is, in summation.
CD: “I had no idea how emotionally unprepared I was to see this trailer. All I know is I’m looking into being put into a medically induced coma until opening night. I’m willing to skip seeing Thor:Ragnarok until it comes out on Blu-Ray just to skip ahead to The Last Jedi. I need to find out that Rey is Emperor Palpatine‘s granddaughter now. Or Luke’s daughter. Or Obi Wan Kenobi‘s love child. I just need to see this movie now!”
The Last Jedi trailer, in summation.
“Based on the new AT-ATs, The First Order was all about Darwin. Bandage chic is still in Rey’s color palate. Luke is scared of a woman’s power, ugh…men. Amiright, ladies? Someone is STILL bitter mommy and daddy didn’t get him that battery operated Millennium Falcon. A Porg is actually just a cash symbol in a cute coat. Rey doesn’t watch Girls and know she shouldn’t trust Adam…err…Kylo.”
SS: Ok Chiffon….well it was great talking to you from beyond. We’ll get around to resurrecting you this week…maybe next…how does early January work for you?
CD: You’re not going to keep me on ice like they’ve done to Walt Disney! They could have brought him back at any time! Don’t you dare Sidn…..
*Sidney puts up Quiji board*