The film Cats has been in theaters for a month now, forcing audiences everywhere to scratch their heads — and possibly their eyes — in sheer confusion, terror, and mild arousal. Instead of spending another second contemplating the deep mysteries of Cats, let me take the “ow” out of “meow” and answer some of the toughest questions brought upon by Tom Hooper‘s cinematic clusterfuck of feline foolishness.
Why did some cats wear shoes?
This question has appeared time and time again across the internet, and I don’t understand why it’s so confounding. I didn’t hear any of you bitching about Puss in Boots in Shrek, whom, as his name so blatantly implies, is a CAT IN SHOES. Oh, that’s right, Reddit didn’t exist yet.
Anyway, in the world of Cats, we have Macavity the Mystery Cat, Jennyanydots the Gumbie (??) Cat, Mr. Mistoffelees the Magic Cat, and a plethora of other cats with nonsensical names and job titles. So, why not a shoemaker? I assume the role of McShuggins Lacyheels the Cobbler Cat was offered to Billy Porter (Spoiler: It was literally, or should I say, LITTER-ally, just the cat version of Lola from Kinky Boots). But since Porter is the ‘It’ Human of the millennia, and also smart, he knew to sashay far the fuck away from this film.
Where are the humans?
If I lived in a world where cats had human faces and hands, sang and danced, had nonsensical names, magic skills, and a strange desire to go to the Heaviside Layer (i.e. DIE), I too would have fled… No fighting back. No viva la revolucion. Just agreeing that the singing cats can live over there, and us humans are going to live far, far away.
But the cats’ size? Why was the sizing so off?
Last time I checked people, and cats, come in all different shapes and sizes. So, just let the cats live their nine lives! And who knows, maybe some of the teeny tiny cats were products of some cats mating with the sexy cockroaches.
WTF is a Jellicle Cat?
If you are anything like me, dear reader, then you also wildly scream-sang, “JELLICLE CATS! JELLICLE CATS! JELLICLE CATS!” for days while waving your arms and kicking your legs maniacally over and over causing your mom to repeatedly beg, “Not on Christmas, Dana!” I can’t help it. It’s like having Tourette’s of the soul. Oh, but to answer the question, I assume “jellicle” means either starving, and/or severely depressed, because those words apply to every single cat we meet.
Why did Dame Judi Dench agree to be in this mess?
Why did Robert de Niro agree to be in The Intern? Why did Cher appear in Mamma Mia! Here We Go Again (and steal the goddamn show)? Why do I force myself to have a job? ‘Cause a paycheck is a paycheck! Or Dame Judi was bored. Or drunk. Think of all the crap you’ve drunkenly bought on Amazon at 4 a.m. only to forget about it until two days later a banana slicer and 18 rolls of paper towels arrive on your doorstep much to your surprise and confusion. And come on, we’ve all done a lot worse for a lot less (i.e. free) than starring in a movie about dancing, singing cats who all act like assholes.
Speaking off assholes, why was there not a single anus to be found?
Who needs sphincters when the cats themselves consistently did shitty things? If the cats had assholes, that means they’d have to defecate. Which means there would be poop everywhere. If that was the case, it’d probably be another cat’s job to clean up said poop. And there would be a song about it.
Another possible answer is that Mr. Mistoffelees’ father was the Scat Cat (not to be mistaken with MC Skat Cat). Mr. Mistoffelees hated to see his father work such a terrible job, so to put an end to all this, he used his magic to make all the cat anuses disappear. No buttholes = no poop…and also severe gastrointestinal issues.
Why did Dame Judi Dench wear a fur coat presumably made out of another cat?
This is simple. She showed up to set — remember, drunk — whilst wearing a fur coat. Some meek PA whose only other set credit was a commercial for Fancy Feast (very full circle, I know) and asked, more than once, for her to take off her fur coat. Dame Judi, wondering where they keep the Hendricks, slurred in British, “Feck off I’m cold,” causing the PA who’s name, in an extremely cruel twist, was Hope, to cry in the unisex bathroom which only minutes prior was destroyed by a grip who, unlike any of the cats in Cats, does have an anus. And he used it.
Upon hearing that Dame Judi Dench was shitfaced, director Tom Hooper, knowing the whole damn movie had to be CGI-ed anyway, was like, “FINE, WE’LL WORK AROUND THE COAT,” while stirring up another martini for OId Deuteronomy. Or, as she became known on set, Ol’ Drunk-and-get-her-off-me.
Okay, but then why did Jennifer Hudson ALSO wear a fur coat?
If one Oscar winner is wearing a fur coat, obviously the OTHER Oscar winner has to wear one too. That’s Hollywood, baby. I don’t make the rules.
What about Idris Elba?
Oh his character Macavity DEFINITELY skinned another cat to wear as a coat. Actually, this would explain the aforementioned absence of McShuggins Lacyheels.
Why are Taylor Swift’s cat boobs so big?
Cat sex sells! That’s Hollywood, baby. I don’t make the rules.
Why was this movie made?
Why are there hundreds of Fast and the Furiouses? (Furioui??) Hollywood would rather spend millions upon millions of dollars on terrible movies than put that money towards, oh, I don’t know, stopping the entire country of Australia from burning, sending aid to Puerto Rico, combating cancer, feeding the starving children around the world, housing the homeless, ending poverty, forgiving student loans, making sure every puppy has a nice life, and getting rid of all my credit card debt.