Nine weeks into their residence within the WERRRK.com fallout shelter, Sidney and Spencer are now trying to do whatever they can to escape. After listening to the horrifying election results on the radio, the duo barely have the stamina to deal with the side effects of living within a fallout shelter. Not even watching American Horror Story: Apocalypse is giving them the courage to fight anymore. Below is their recorded transcript for episode nine. To view last weeks transcript, follow this link now.
Sidney Stokes: Spencer. Spencer come out of your room… We have to write about this
Spencer Williams: I don’t want to. Go away!
SJ: I have In & Out!
SW: Cracks open door Is this another one of your dirty tricks?
SJ: No! You’re too smart to fall for it twice! I even got shakes!
SW: Yay! Okay I’m coming out!
SJ: Oh hey WERRRKers! Sidney and Spencer here.
SJ: Yeah tonight was um once again…rough
What Is Going On?
SW: Did something happen? Did I dream up the first 7 episodes? I’m just so irritated right now with this show.
SJ: What is even happening? Are they even trying to tie this final act two the first two.
SW: At this rate, I think they will tie in the first two episodes in the final five minutes of the finale. I spent a lot of this episode trying to remember when things happened and where they were now
SW: Want to know what did it for me tonight?
SJ: What’s that?
SW: The second they shot Queenie and Zoe. These fan-favorite characters have been around for years. If the show really lets them die off just like that after all of this struggle trying to revive them…? I don’t even have words.
SJ: Well I mean….they basically set up bringing everyone back so I don’t think you should get too upset
SW: But why would we bring them back if we were going to kill them off again before this big war? Which won’t even be that big at this point with only one episode left and half of the characters gone.
SJ: I mean when they revive the world. That’s basically where this is going
SW: Okay that’s a good point
SJ: I spent a lot of this episode trying to remember when things happened and where they were now. Like how is Michael both omniscient but also knows nothing?
SW: He started off so spooky and mysterious. Now he is just a confused kid tasked with the idea of world destruction. It’s like the Kung-Fu Panda movies except the Panda is trying to join the Illuminati and destroy the world.
SJ: Seeing Michael struggle makes him look weak. They could have done this in a way that kept him strong.
SJ: Ugh the Illuminati. So so so dumb. Them being the main villain had me rolling as much as Michael referring to himself as the Antichrist sounded dumb.
SW: Yeah at first we were seeing Emmy worthy work in Michael’s character, but now he has become just another goofy AHS villain. I’m very sad about this actually.
SJ: It doesn’t even feel like AHS. It’s like X-Men but like…well…Age of Apocalypse X-Men. OMFG. Want to know what just killed it for me?
SW: What did it for you?
SJ: When they dedicated 15 minutes, of the penultimate episode of a season that doesn’t have time left to spare, to an Anastasia subplot…
SW: Oh my gosh, I KNOW! What even was that? I felt like I was in the twilight zone. She didn’t even win this irrelevant fight! The only thing the witches accomplished this episode was waste a bubble bath! This is just out of control.
SJ: It was dumb, I’m sure that power will play a factor in the end like the Five Point Palm Exploding Heart Technique. But they explained it, we didn’t need to see it. Plus, if they saved the Romanov’s DO YOU KNOW HOW DIFFERENT THE WORLD WOULD FUCKING BE?!!!
SW: I have so many questions! Like, where the hell is Misty Day. We are in her god damn house. Yes, I heard the excuse but really? Stevie Nicks isn’t out adventuring. She is at home, watching Fixer Upper reruns… not dancing in the woods continuously with Misty Day?
SJ: They used this episode to quickly answer the questions they had to answer but didn’t care enough about to answer well.
SW: Sadly that is the vibe I was getting as well. Just as we feared, they are trying to cram a season’s worth of content into a single episode. I hate when we are right.
SJ: They really didn’t give us much and what we got was dumb
SW: My heart breaks because the majority of this season was sooo good! I really mean that. So I hope this finale really turns things around because I don’t want Apocalypse to be remembered by these bowl wigs.
SJ: I mean…Ryan Murphy really should only be given 8 episodes.
Fire and Reign, In Summation
SJ: The Dumb and Dumber reboot sucks. Five minutes for coffee is basically hell on earth so I get it. They paid for those wigs and they are getting use out of them. For living in a swamp, Misty’s set up is cute AF. Cordelia learned witchcraft but not world history. Did Patagonia pay for that plug? Michael was a really interesting villain…WAS!
SW: Oh wow we are really starting this episode right away with the damn bowl wigs? I prefer the mutated, radioactive Billy Eichner over the Bowl wig Billy Eichner. Just saying. Why is Dinah siding with the Anti-Christ again? I must have missed something. Oh look, a lot of my favorite characters are dead again. Great! Would it kill Ryan Murphy to keep Joan Collins alive for more than 20 minutes? Okay so instead of focusing on the actual apocalypse, we are going to try and fix something that happened in the early 1900’s? I am glad the Illuminati are all wearing masks so I don’t have to see their combined laughter at the ridiculousness of this episode. Kathy Bates with an arm canon is actually pretty cool but don’t tell anyone I said that. Misty Day just didn’t feel like fighting the Anti-Christ something? Fuck Ted Cruz. That’s not relevant to this episode but I just had to get that off my chest.
SJ: Well hopefully the finale is a smoother landing but if the last two episodes are any indication…we are set for a crash landing.
SW: Yeah, yeah, we are doomed I get it. Can I have my burger now…?
SJ: Oh…about that
SW: YOU ARE A MONSTER, SIDNEY JOEL!
The duo now must now head back to their lonely bunks within the fallout shelter. Don’t worry they will be return next week with well… some of their sanity. Thank you for joining Sidney and Spencer for Episode 9 of American Horror Story: Apocalypse. Enjoy a preview of next week’s season finale below.