In which Poppy dresses down those who dress up…
Well, Pop Tarts, Halloween is upon us; and here in West Hollywood – home of the largest Halloween Party in the United States (I’m serious…it’s THAT big) – we are well into the gay high holy days of autumn.
Ok, so it still feels like summer thanks to global warming, but still…
This year the big day falls on a Friday, so people are going to go all out on the costumes and the revelry and there likely won’t be a sober person from La Cienega to Doheny. Over the many years I’ve lived in WeHo, I’m proud to say that I’ve seen some of the most spectacular, creative costumes one could ever imagine; however, there are always those that seem to “not get the memo” about how important one’s outfit is when attending the biggest costume party this side of the Mississippi. So, without further ado, I share with you my top 10 pet-peeves for Halloween attire. Read on if you dare!
Poppy’s Top 10 Don’ts for Halloween Costumes in West Hollywood
(or anywhere, for that matter…)
- The Guy Who Wants to Do Drag but Shouldn’t – Sooner or later, every gym-bunny to businessman who is a Friend of Dorothy wants to dress in drag for Halloween. It’s somewhat of a rite of passage, I suppose. However, this choice is always fraught with unfortunate decisions. I suppose it’s just good-natured ignorance, but what makes gay men think that they can walk back and forth on the asphalt of Santa Monica Boulevard for several hours wearing 6-inch platform heels? Let me tell you, if I had a nickel for every twisted ankle and blistered pinky toe I’ve seen on the Boulevard before 9pm, I’d be a really rich woman. Trust me, boys, go for something lower in a heel. Chances are we won’t even look at your feet anyway, since 99% of you can’t paint your face worth shit. #dudedontlooklikealady
- The Guy Who Wants to Do Drag and has a Friend That is a Drag Queen – See all of the above, but adjust the heel to a sensible 3.5 inch (and even then, your dogs are going to be barking) because your friend told you not to be ridiculous with the hooker heels. Your outfit is good, your face is painted as well as it can be because your friend helped; but holy mother of Jefferson Davis, do you have an attitude! News flash – just because you have a contoured cheek and are wearing silicon pads in your bra instead of socks doesn’t mean you’re ready for Drag Race. And stop flipping your hair…your wig is already crooked. #youaintdetoxbitch
- The Classic “Bela Lugosi as Dracula” Vampire – We’ve all seen them, haven’t we? The makeup consists of uneven clown white on the face, red lipstick with the obligatory dribbles of “blood” down the corners of the mouth, and blue eye shadow used as blush. The costume – black pants, white shirt, a plastic “medallion” and a black cape that’s just one cotton fiber above being a Hefty bag. The good news is…hey…at least you made the effort. The bad news…you could have gone as a Hefty bag and been more original. #twilightisevenbetterthanyou
- The Buff Satyr – The most ubiquitous of mythological costumes, the satyr is a gay boy’s go-to costume if he has a great bod and wants to show everyone he’s horny – literally. You can’t swing a dead cat on the Boulevard without knocking out two or three of the goat-guys. It’s not a hard costume, because all you need are some furry pants and a pair of horns. The time spent in the gym is the most serious investment, because you’d better have pecs of death and abs of steel to play in this Pan’s Labyrinth. Overdone it may be, but we’ll give this one a pass because…hey…horny men with bare chests! #iloveitgreekstyle
- The Naughty (insert name of profession) in a Garter Belt and Corset – Construction workers, policemen, military personnel, cowboys – if the look is the same as the costume of one of the Village People, chances are that there will be scads of young women dressed as the “naughty” version, flaunting the best breasts money can buy hitched as high as the corset will push ‘em up. We mustn’t forget naughty nurses, naughty witches, naughty devils, naughty waitresses, naughty French maids…wait…that’s redundant…well, you get the picture. #yesdearyoulooklikeawhore
- Poster-board Poseurs – Please don’t simply wear regular clothes and then hang a sign around your neck on which is scrawled in magic marker the name of a current celebrity, politician, or recent news-maker. Talk about lack of effort! This isn’t a fraternity mixer, and chances are you’ll puke on your sign before the night is over. #alamevampirewouldbebetter
- Any Real-Life Serial Killer, Terrorist, or Disease Patient – Jason and Freddy Kruger are fine; Charles Manson or Jeffery Dahmer, no so much. While topical, dressing as a terrorist is tacky; and anyone capitalizing on the Ebola epidemic is just…well…obnoxious. Besides, dressing as any of the above is a sure-fire way NOT to get picked up at the Abbey. #yoursenseofhumorsucks
- Kim Kardashian – not the costume. Just her. No. #lordylordyIamsooveryou
- This Person:
10. Anyone in Bodypaint – One word. Shave. And if you don’t have a body as good as Joe Maganiello’s, your “Captain America” is just going to look like you slept with a smurf.
That’s it, Pop Tarts! Have a safe and happy Halloween, and remember…friends don’t let friends dress tacky.