Episode One: Born Naked
Well thank goodness I have plenty of time to put this recap of the first episode of RuPaul’s Drag Race Season Seven together. I mean, Michelle Visage is still lollygagging over in Jolly Old England so it’s going to be weeks until they show the first episode! What? It’s on tonight? Right now? Crap! I barely have enough vodka to get through this I think! Okay, I’m going to do my best bit of Chad Michaels professionalism and power through this without my usual bottle and a half of Absolut. I’m a trooper.
Hi boys and girls and welcome to another season of “Talking Drag Race with Chiffon Dior”. I’m pretty sure they haven’t replaced me yet so I’m still Chiffon Dior. So if you haven’t seen Drag Race before, the concept is simple. RuPaul travels the country trying out the best comfort food dishes at out of the way restaurants. No wait, that’s Guy Fieri‘s show “Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives”. Seriously, after six seasons plus an All-Star season (Where is All-Stars 2 seriously? And don’t get me started if Morgan isn’t on!), you know what this damn show is about so let’s head straight to the work room, shall we?
First up is Miss Fame who looks like the might be battling the Avengers later this summer based on her outfit. The Youtube and Instagram icon looked hella fierce to say the least.
Next up was Ginger Minj who describes herself as an “overweight asthmatic cross-dresser from Orlando, Florida”. If I had a nickel for every time I heard that…..I’d have one nickel. The rest of the cast followed to various degrees of memorableness. Violet Chachki entered the room and my first thought was to want to force feed the skinny bitch but instead I opted to start a Kickstarter to get her a set of ribs since the poor girl doesn’t seem to have any. She was super modest too.
I was truly hoping Katya was going to keep the Russian gimmick going her entire time and then reveal at the end she was just messing with them but alas, it wasn’t meant to be. Maybe I just wanted to hear her say, “Now we will destroy moose and squirrel!”.
So the rest of the gals gathered and it wasn’t long before the first shade bomb was dropped by Kandy Ho at Tempest DuJour. Basically she said, “Damn bitch! How old is your old ass?” although I think she might have used a little more tact. But not much.
The girls were quickly sent off for the mini challenge which wasn’t really so mini. I’m not positive but I believed it was called, “Blow Out Half of the Wardrobe You Brought With You in this First Challenge” runway in front of Michelle, Ru, new judge Carson Kressley , Anna Wintour…..no wait, that’s Alaska. *Cue the Alaska fangirls shrieking. You know who you are* and Mathu Andersen.
Violet, Miss Fame and Pearl all worked the runway like there was no tomorrow. In fact, Violet’s look added the term, “Serving plaid flying squirrel realness” to my vernacular. Thanks for that Violet.
So from there it was back to the work room to create a nude illusion look for the main stage. Spoiler alert: You don’t want to see a lot of these bitches nude. Hell, I don’t even like to see myself nude. So in addition to being charming, Kandy Ho is also the resident, “This bitch doesn’t know how to sew” girl. I hope you brought yourself a whole lot of hot glue baby. You’re going to need it.
This nude challenge was an odd choice because aside from the disparity in body types, most of the girls’ looks wound up looking pretty similar. Max managed to shake things up a little bit by using arm crutches on stage for some reason. For a moment I thought about trying to make “Serving FDR realness” happen but like fetch, it wasn’t happening. You know that somewhere Milk was saying, “Why didn’t I think of those?”.
Everyone was on edge about being the first one sent home. Katya had the line of the episode.
“I’m terrified for this elimination. We have to be naked and I have the body of a 55-year-old Irish rock climber! Give me a fucking break!” – Katya
Also, Jasmine Masters kept babbling about a butterfly and a cocoon all episode. With all that talk of cocoon, I was half expecting to see Wilfred Brimley at some point. She ended up on stage looking like she was eaten by the worm from Dune. In the end, it was Tempest facing off with Kandy for the right to win the Porkchop Parker Memorial First Elimination Trophy. While Tempest did her best suburban housewife dancing at a BBQ after two Mojitos moves, Kandy twerked her way to safety.
And then there were thirteen. The episode felt a bit rushed and the resolution seemed to digress back to nearly season one Vaseline lens levels but all in all, it felt like an old friend was back. Plus, no Santino this year bitches!
Be sure to vote in our poll for who you think will win this season. Also if you’re on the east coast be sure to join us each week immediately after the show in the NotSafe4Werk Post Race Show to chat with other Drag Race fans about what just went down on the main stage! Until next week, remember to have your drag queens neutered and spayed.