Look, I love Halloween. I love Hocus Pocus. I love the Monster Mash.I love ghost stories. I love going to the Duane Reade on November 1st to buy discount candy. I love binge eating discount candy alone in an empty bathtub while while pondering the ephemerality of life until I crash from the sugar high then quietly sob myself to sleep. I love pumpkins.
See, big fan here.
What I’m not a fan of is lazy costumes. If you aren’t some kind of performer, a grown person only has two reasons to dress up in a costume: sexual roleplay, and attention. That’s not shade, that’s fact. I’m here for it. Attention is great, but you have to earn it. Especially when you’re queer. Our people are known for serving LEWKS, so there’s plenty of competition this year for the title of Halloween Queen.
But how can you be the buzz of the ball if you aren’t crafty enough to assemble a showstopper? You can try going as naked as possible, but not all of us are cold-blooded enough to parade around outside in our underwear. The only other alternative is fully committing to a concept. It’s an internet proven fact that the best costumes are the most memorable. So make a lasting impression like so many legendary queens before you— by being a stone cold bitch.
A Total Bottom
Step One: Wear a tank top/leather armband combo.
Step Two: Walk around the party all night insisting you’re a total top.
A “New” Broadway Musical
Step One: Dress as your favorite television or movie character.
Step Two: Sing a song no one can remember.
Step Three: Revive your costume a few Halloweens later.
A Grindr Hookup
Step One: Find a party within a 0.88 mile radius of your home & RSVP.
Step Two: Send the host a picture of your costume…but only the torso.
Step Threer: On the night of the party, ghost on the person hosting without replying to any of their texts.
Step Four: A few weeks later hit them up without offering an explanation, then ask if they have any leftover candy.
Student Loan Debt
Step One: Ask people if they have hopes and dreams.
Step Two: If they say yes, bash them on the kneecap with a compact but weighty hammer.
Step One: Have your black friend design your costume.
Step Two: Use your gay friend’s connections to cut the line at the club.
Step Three: Inside, use the dance moves both friends taught you to get everyone’s attention.
Step Four: Have your old friends removed by security for sneaking in drugs.
Bonus points if they’re actually holding YOUR drugs.
A Gag Reflex
Step One: Get lost on your way to the party.
The Fyre Festival
Step One: Hype up your costume for months. Use words like luxury, celebrity influencer, and Ratajkowski.
Step Two: Spend all the money you saved for your Halloween look on drugs and xTube premium credits.
Step Three: On the night of the party construct your costume out of American Apparel briefs, hot glue, and bits of twine.
Step Four: Near the end of the party, give up on life before passing out in a puddle of your own gin-soaked vomit.
A Famous Youtuber
Step One: Wear an aura of celebrity. This costume is especially well-suited for those hoping to dance the night away, as you won’t be weighed down with the burden of talent.
See: White Feminism.
A Recent New York Transplant
Step One: For the entirety of the party only talk about about the following subjects:
Brunch; your favorite Bath & Body Works scents; how worth the wait Dominique Ainslie Bakery is; how much you hate going Brooklyn; asking people to explain Staten Island; describing the drive to your parent’s house; how much you miss Target (say it with a bad french accent, it gives the illusion of pedigree); how excited you are for your best from high school to visit the city; how it’s the tourists are ruining New York.
HAVE A HAPPY HALLOWEEN!
Topher Cusumano is a full-time writer & part-time teen witch from Brooklyn, New York. Follow: @TophCus